I have many great friends and am so thankful for each and every one of them. One of those great friends is Susie Pierce (nee Laping). Susie and I met years ago, but then reconnected when I took her job at the WMBA as she was moving to Florida to marry a wonderful man. Susie and I both had baby boys around the same time and have enjoyed weekly talks ever since they were born. During our talks, we cover everything and anything and rarely is anything off limits. Obviously, we talk a lot about our kids and motherhood as many of the frustrations and challenges we face are the same.
A few weeks ago while Susie was visiting Winnipeg, she gave me the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage".
Susie came across the book at a local second hand store near her home down south and after reading it herself, thought it would be something I would enjoy and benefit from as well.
The book does a great job of cutting to the chase. Becoming a mother is hard. It is hard on yourself and it is hard on your marriage. It is extremely easy to fall into deep and dark holes filled with tears - both yours and the babies. The book goes through a few of the biggest problems marriages often face after the addition of a baby and gives practical examples of how to avoid and work through each and every one of them. For me, it also confirmed the fact that the feelings of inadequacy, frustration and exhaustion are more common that many others like to admit. In fact, I would bet that the vast majority of mothers, especially new ones experience these feelings and this book solidifies that it is OKAY. It does not make you a bad mother, it does not mean you don't love your kids, and it does not mean that you will feel this way forever.
I would like to preface the following post with the fact that I LOVE MY KIDS. I love being a MOM. It is an incredible blessing, something I am not worthy of, and I wouldn't change anything for anything. That being said... sometimes, it's hard.
As I have never tried to hide, having a child, and now children, has been a major adjustment for me. I am very much a controller and a planner and having kids kind of puts a damper on all of those things. Over the past 2 years, I have struggled a number of times with the reality that is now my life and this book helped me to identify and accept the changes and embrace the differences.
A few weeks ago, Jason and I went on a date, something we do not do enough. We had dinner in our old neighbourhood where we lived PC (pre children) and enjoyed a nice drive down our old street after dinner. We reminisced about how nice it was to live there and how fun it was to be so close to so many shops, restaurants and walking paths, something I miss because it is so different compared to where we live now. We talked about how nice it was to take our dog for late night walks down Wellington Crescent and how it just isn't the same in the country. After a few minutes of the memories, we both realized that it wasn't our house on Campbell that we missed so much, it is the lives we lived before we had kids. The fact of the matter is that even if we did still live there, we would not be taking walks together at 9:00 p.m. Kids, and 7:30 bedtimes put a damper on that kind of activity. "Babyproofing Your Marriage" reminded me that I need to quit trying to get my old life back. It is gone. It is time to accept and surrender to the chaos. The book is right. When the house is a mess, both kids are crying, you're eating grilled cheese for supper (again), and I haven't been anywhere but Superstore for a week, I plan on trying to take a minute, laugh, and realize that before I know it these days will be gone and I will desperately want them back.
Another section of the book that really resonated with me is something the authors call the mommy chip - I am sure many other Mom's suffer from it as well. From the second Colin was born, the chip was activated and had never for a second, turned off. As a Mom, my mind is constantly spinning. What time is it? When will we need to eat again? Do I have enough diapers? Whose diaper needs changing? Will their winter coats fit come winter? How much milk is left in the fridge? Are we hitting developmental milestones? What nursery school will we attend? It never ends and it never stops. Something I have struggled with is accepting that I now have this chip and will most likely have it for the rest of my life, the questions will simply change as the kids get older. Accepting that I have this chip is challenging, but I think I am getting there. Tougher, is accepting and not punishing Jason for NOT having one. It is just the way it is. Men and Dad's can turn it off, or resist its implantation from the very beginning. We cannot. It is not their fault and it is not anything they are doing on purpose to simply to stick it to us. Their minds simply work differently. Although it drives me crazy, Jasons mind will never work like mine and the more I think about it, the more I realize that that is a very good thing for our marriage. Although I can't turn it off, Jason reminds me to pause it from time to time. He helps me go with the flow more and enjoy my time away without feeling the need to check in. He helps me stay grounded and not get carried away with questions, worries and planning.
The best thing I brought away from the book is the fact that if you want your husband to help you, and I do, than you have to let him do it his way. I am not good at this. I was even worse when it was just Colin. I have realized that I can't expect him to want to help me if everything he does also comes with criticism. He may have a different way to swaddle, a different bed time for Colin, and different clothes to put them in when getting them dressed but that HAS to be okay with me. He isn't me and he doesn't do things exactly like I do, but that doesn't mean his way is wrong.
A large section of the book talks about scorekeeping within a marriage and how easy it can be to start keeping score after a baby comes into the picture. Everything we do both at home and at work is included in the "score" and resentment starts to grow. The book talks a lot about how women feel abandoned at home all day with the kids, wanting their husbands help with more household tasks and help with the kids, and men feel their financial contribution by working all day is enough. I doubt the book intended to help me in this particular way, but reading this section reminded me just how good I have it. The fact of the matter is that Jason is a huge help to me. He willingly takes Colin whenever he can, helps around the house, and is constantly working on projects in order to finish our home. Don't get me wrong, their have been times where we, like any marriage, have been frustrated with each other and the amount of support we were getting, but for the most part, we are pretty good.
The last part of the book that really resonated with me was the section discussing the pressure Mom's put on themselves. We all want to be the perfect Mom - I am no exception. That being said, I also want a career. The book explains that the women of our generation have been told since birth that we can do anything we want. We can climb the corporate ladder just like men can and that no job is out of reach. Having a career and being a Mom is not impossible - women having been doing it for years. However, doing both perfectly, is. The fact of the matter is that something, somewhere has to give. I do plan on going back to work next year and although would prefer part time, know that sometime in the near future, I will probably work full time. If I am going to do that, I am going to have to realize that I am probably not going to be able to stay on top of everything at home. The house will not always be clean. My kids clothes will not always be folded and put away. I will not always be able to bring home made snacks to soccer. It is simply impossible to do both to perfection. It will not be easy for me but reading this book has reminded me that it is ok and at the end of the day, Colin and Addy will be just fine with wrinkly clothes, granola bars, and messy rooms. Women have such a bad habit of judging and making each other feel somehow less worthy for the decisons they have made. Working Mom's judge stay at home mom's for not "working". Stay at home Mom's judge working mom's for putting their kids in daycare. We judge, judge, judge and I can include myself in that "we". This book reminded me that at the end of the day, we are all working towards the same goal - doing what is best for our kids. For me, I know that working out of the home is better for my kids. I am a happier, more fulfilled person when I am working and in turn, a better Mom. The book reminded me that each mother needs to make their own decision for what is best for them and at the end of the day, women need to support each other for each one, and feel blessed that we even have a choice to make.
I would really recommend this book to any couple who is planning on welcoming children into their marriage, or who have already taken the plunge. It is a great reminder of how a baby can affect marriage, and how it important it is for both the husband and wife to ensure they are supporting, helping and communicating with each other through it all. It is also a bit of a pep talk for any Mom who is feeling a little less than perfect and who struggles sometimes to make it through the day.
Bottom line is that the book reminded me that my marriage is doing pretty well through it all, however that I never want to stop working on us. Jason and I have tried very hard to communicate and vent when we need so that pent up emotions and frustrations don't snowball and blow up in each others faces. That being said, at the end of the day, Jason still makes me smile, makes me swoon, and makes me fall in love all over again. Looking at Jason also reminds me of what commitment truly is. I have realized after reading this book that no one would ever love our children as much he does. No one else in the world could ever share that with me, ever. That is something worth working on each and every day and doing whatever we can to ensure that we stick together and team play our way through these years. At the end of them all, we will hopefully have wonderful children and an even better marriage than we started with. It is then that we will travel the world, love on our grandchildren (fingers crossed), enjoy each others company, and most importantly... sleep A LOT more.
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