5.

Dear Colin,

A couple of weeks ago, you turned 5 years old.  It's hard to believe that it has been five whole years since you came (so quickly!) into the world.  Although I don't remember all the details of the last five years, I know that you have filled them with some of my best and favourite memories of all my 32 years here.

This past year was a gooder.  You have truly transformed into a wonderful child, a super fun boy and a just a great all around kid.  This year will be the year that goes down in the timeline of your life as the year you started school, the year you jumped off a 10 foot cliff into the lake, the year you started telling jokes (only some make sense), the year you rode a two wheeler, the year you fell in love with hockey, the year you really became you.

You don't really surprise me very often anymore.  I feel like I pretty much have you down pat.  You are naturally predictable.  You love routine and order and are happiest when everyone just follows the rules.  You are also sensitive and struggle being kind to your sister from time to time (but we're working on that).  You love to learn - about anything and everything anybody will teach you.  You are fascinated by how things work and have a naturally inquisitive mind.  You have very quickly figured out that many of your questions are better asked to your Dad as this is not a trait that you and I share but you and your Dad ,you are made for each other.

Somewhere along the way this past year you learned that it's ok to take a risk or two in life and step outside your own comfort zone.  This did not always come easily to you.  You needed a LOT of prep before any changes or new things and even then did not always deal with them very well.  This past year though, something shifted.  All of a sudden you realized that you can have a lot more fun if you just let it ride.  And boy did you ever.  There were multiple times this past year where you Dad and I looked at each other in disbelief over what we just experienced.  Case in point was this summer at Tulabi Falls.  One night we watched some teenagers jumping off the same cliff that I used to with my friends each and every summer.  You surely and confidentially announced that when we came back the next day, you were jumping.  I said ok, but I can't really say that I believed you.  But sure enough, the next day when we came back to swim at the beach you repeated your statement.  At this point, I thought you might be serious but again felt like when we got up there your tune would change.  So you and I marched up the hill and found ourselves at the top of the smallest cliff.  You were not hesitating for a second.  At this moment all the "could happens" started running through my brain and I started to hesitate as to whether or not this was a good idea.  But we had come too far - I couldn't back down now.  So, together, hand in hand, we walked to the edge, counted to three and jumped.  Not once did you stutter.  I still can't really believe that you did it.  So easily and so calmly without any convincing.  Let's all keep in mind that you were the three year old crying in the pool at swimming lessons any time you had to float on your back (among other reasons) and on this day, you jumped off a freaking cliff.  Your Dad and I were so proud of you for how brave and willing you were but also because it meant you were just growing up.  Because Buck, all this work we are doing as parents, all the sweat and tears is all for you.  There is nothing we want more than to see you grow, to mature and to become the game changing boy and man we know is inside of you.  It's our job to bring him out and when you jumped off that cliff I felt like we got just a touch closer.  Summer of Colin it was, and I am so grateful that I got to watch from the front row.

This past year, and I'm not proud to admit this, I found myself from time to time trying to sway you in other directions, trying to suggest different things to you, in a way, trying to change you.  You see my sweet boy, I doubt you will ever have any major academic struggles when it comes to you and school.  You love to learn.  You are calm and determined and smart.  The other side of school though, the social and friends side, scares the crap out of me.  There is nothing I want more than for that part of life for you to come easily.  I think for awhile I convinced myself that my suggestions would make it easier for you to make friends.  Maybe if you liked what all the other boys liked, if you played what all the other boys played with, if you watched what all the other boys watch your friendships would come smoothly and easily.  What I learned however was this: first of all, you needed no help making friends.  Even if what you liked, played with, talked about or watched was not the same as some of the other boys, that didn't matter.  They loved you and you loved them.  It took you no time to find your groove, you got right in there with the kids in your class and bonded.  Secondly though, and much more important, I realized that instead of trying to change you, I should be trying to be more like you. You, my sweet boy like everyone you meet.  You give everyone an equal shot.  You do not judge, discriminate or hold grudges.  You apologize instantly when you have wronged and forgive when others have wronged you.  You are what a true friend is made up of and I should be fostering that in you instead of worrying if we are up to date up on the latest trend.  Now don't get me wrong, I still hope and pray that you make amazing friends easily and that you find a few that you'll go the distance.  I have been so blessed to have found multiple life long friends and I can tell you from experience that they make all the difference in my life.  They are what makes life a bit easier when things get tough and a even more amazing when things are great.  But that being said, I definitely don't worry as much any more.  You are a sweet, wonderful, caring, compassionate, fun boy and that is too good a combination to go unnoticed.

You have no idea how proud you make me.  Just walking beside you makes me beam.  You are my kid and I wear that like a badge of honour.  You are going to do amazing things.  I never knew if I was going to get the chance to be a Mom.  It was something that I wanted, but more than that, that my heart needed.  You were the first one to give me that gift, to fill my heart up beyond measure, to change me so deeply and fundamentally for the better.  You broke me in as a Mom and continue to pave the way for your sisters so smoothly and so straighly.

This video/interview of you is a mess but I will treasure it always.  It is a snapshot in time of YOU and that means it's perfect. Someday long from now, I pray that I have the chance to watch these videos of you on your birthday and that they will transport me back in time to today.  And I will remember and all the hugs, all the "i love you's", all the Paw Patrol, all the "7-zero-zero" wakeups, all the "keep your hands to yourself" reminders, all the firsts and all the amazingness.

Bucky, happy happy happy happy happy to you.  You are my forever and my always.  My first and my bestest boy.

Love you to the moon and back x5,

Mama
xoxo