A Whole Hand.

Dear Addy,

More than a few weeks ago, you turned 5 years old...a whole hand.

Once again, I am a little late getting this letter to you and although life is busy and my to do list is long, I would never want to miss the chance to put down on paper exactly what it's like to be blessed by YOU at this exact time of your life.

Like I have said many, many times before, you are a wild one.  Your emotions swing dramatically and I sometimes have a hard time keeping up.  Your highs are high and your lows are low.  You feel everything dramatically and intensely and you are sometimes extremely hard to figure out.  You go from 0 to 100 quicker than anybody I have ever known and quite honestly, that can be very frustrating for me, especially when your emotion is driven by incredibly simple or trivial things.  Often times, in an attempt to get you to calm down, results in me getting upset with you (or sometimes yelling at you), and believe me when I say that I don't love admitting.  But, my sweet girl, I just don't know what else to do.  We are still learning, you and I and I promise to always keep trying.  There has to be a better way to help nurture your spirit...so if you have any ideas, I'm all ears :).

BUT - that all being said...you are such a bright light.  You are so sweet and caring and funny.  You love deeply.  You hug tighter and for longer and you tell me you love me throughout each and every day.  You are the first to run to the door when I come home or pick you up from somewhere and the first to tell me that you missed me.

You are insightful but you are also in your own head a lot.  I sometimes think you spend a lot of time visualizing and thinking about how situations will play out.  And then, when plans change or things don't go as you imagined, you sometimes have trouble adapting.  But we have seen huge growth in you, even over the past 3 months.  You are having an easier and easier time accepting and rolling with plans and even consequences.  We have seen you take deep breaths and talk through issues, rather than your usual eruption.  It is amazing to watch you mature and grow - let's keep that going!

A few months ago, I was thinking about increasing my workload and maybe working out of the house additional days in the fall.  This would have meant additional day care days for you, with the addition of Kindergarten every afternoon.  BUT, after careful thinking (and some great advice from your Grandma), I realized that I just couldn't do that to you.  Because, quite simply, you need me, and you need calmness and predictability.  Kindergarten will be plenty for you...and although I know without a doubt that you will excel while at school, I am not super confident that you could handle both kindergarten and daycare.  So, as difficult as it is for me sometimes to slow down, that is exactly what we are going to do.  We are going to spend more time at home and together next year than perhaps we ever have before.  And although the process of coming to that decision wasn't easy, as soon as I made it I questioned how I could have ever considered the alternative.  You and your siblings are my priority and there is nothing I want more than to give you the love and support that you need.  If that means putting my needs and wants on hold for the time being, then I am all for it.  You come first - and I never want you to question that.

I have been a Mom for almost 7 years now...and I can honestly say that at no point has it gotten easier.  I am continually faced with problems I have no idea how to solve.  What works with your brother almost never works with you and I am fairly certain the theme will continue with your sister as well.  But this, this I know - you have blessed me beyond measure.  By simply being you, as wild and unpredictable and difficult and dramatic as you can be, you make my life so much better than I ever dreamed it could be.  It is my absolute privilege to be your Mom.  This is a big year coming up for you - can't wait to watch you rock it.

Your 5th birthday video is so perfectly you.  Your smiles, your 'shyness', your emotion and tempered near the end frustration and, let's not forget your attire - just perfectly YOU.  There is no one quite like you and I wouldn't change you if I could.  You make me so proud.

Love you x5 to my missy,

Mama
xoxo