In about twenty six weeks, I will have the honour of standing up for one of my closest friends at her wedding. She is SUCH a good friend that she even decided, along with her fiance, to have the wedding take place in Hualtuco, Mexico. Since the wedding is during school time, Jason obviously isn't able to come. Since I am not insane, and would actually like to enjoy the week, I am also not taking either of the kids. Yes, you read that right. I will be enjoying an entire week without children and I am very, very excited. I am so ready to stay up late, knowing that I can simply sleep in in the morning, to not worry about schedules and naps, and just to relax, read, and have fun with friends. I also am so thankful to be able to be there to celebrate with my dear friend. I am also so amazingly thankful for parents and in laws who have agreed to stand in for me on the child care front for the week. I have my eyes on the prize and the prize is from March 3-10, 2013.
Yes, I am ready. My body, however, is most definitely not. After I had Colin, I found that the weight simply fell off fairly easily and without much effort. About 6 weeks after I had him, I was only 5 pounds away from my starting weight. Today, 16 weeks after having Addy, I am 15 pounds away. To be honest, I didn't really even notice until a week or two ago where I took a good hard look at myself and realized that things just didn't look right. Clothes still somewhat fit, but few comfortably and many not at all. It is time to do something about this. For one, Mexico is 6 months away and I want to feel great while there. I want to wear a bathing suit without feeling uncomfortable and look back at pictures without cringing. I want to stand up next to my beautiful friend and feel like a girl of 21 again. So, today, I started.
Before we had kids, I used to live in the gym. I would work out 4-6 times a week with ease. When Jason and I first met, I would run to the gym which was 3km away, work out for an hour, and then run back. I loved it and found it easy to get motivated and get moving. After I had Colin, I struggled, but somehow managed to semi get back at it. In all fairness, I found it much easier after I stopped nursing him at 9 months old and was truly able to get away and not feel the constant ticking of the clock while gone. Since Addy, I have found it even harder to make the time necessary for a workout. It is nobody's fault but my own. Yes, I am nursing her, but unlike Colin who ate every 2 hours, Addy refuses to eat any sooner than 4 therefore giving me more than enough time to get away. I had good intentions all summer while Jason was home, but never really found my stride or my groove. Now that fall is here, with it comes the change.
The change is, we are back at the Y. There really couldn't be a better place for us as the membership gives us full access to the gym and pool. My parents have offered to take my kids while I work out, or, if they are not available, there is a babysitting service available. For once, I truly have no excuse and plan on taking full advantage of the membership and the help.
I am starting a "Back to Run" program (truthfully for the second time as the first didn't quite take), and adding some other exercises I learnt while doing Crossfit between pregnancies. Today, I forgot how good it feels to be back in the gym and work. I am trying very hard to take it slow as I know how weak and out of shape I am and to jump right back into intense exercise would end badly for both my motivation and my body. I want to ease into things and get back to where I want to be with time, therefore ensuring that I don't end up on the injured list.
I am so ready to take control. I am so ready to make good decisions and make time for myself and my goals. I realize that this is going to mean sacrifice on both mine and Addy's part. She is going to have to sacrifice some naps and I am hoping that it does not backfire too much on our seemingly perfect sleeper. Colin will be in his absolute glory as he will play the time away with Grandma and Grandpa or the kids in the playroom - he will have no complaints. Sorry, baby girl, it's all on you.
Yes, I am ready. I figure that I owe my body as much as it gifted me with two easy pregnancies and two even easier labour and deliveries. The least I can do is pay it back with strength, power, and endurance. I have 6 months to lose 15 pounds to get back to my pre pregnancy weight. Since I didn't LOVE my body then, I have rounded it up to 20 just for good measure. That being said, I know that things aren't currently that bad and I am very grateful to have the body that I have now as I know that the struggles I have are nowhere near the struggles that others do after child birth. What I also know though, is that I can be better. I can be much, much better. I can feel better than I feel right now and I can be healthier - that is what is most important. I want my kids to look at me and see a strong, fit woman who makes the time to exercise and stay active so that they are motivated to do the same. I know I can do this and specifically wrote this post so that I have to follow through. The time is now and the goal is Mexico in March. Start the clock.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
2.
Dear Colin,
Today, you turn 2 years old and it is exactly one year since I have written you. First of all, thank you for the past year. It has been so much fun to spend it with you and watch you every second of the way. You and your super fun self have made being your Mom just the best thing that I could ever ask for. When looking back at pictures from this time one year ago, it really magnifies how much you have grown and developed. One year ago, you couldn't walk, now you run...everywhere. One year ago, you couldn't say much of anything, and what you could say, I couldn't really understand. Now you are constantly talking, 80% or so of which I understand - we are getting there. Bottom line is that one year ago you were still very much a baby and today, you are most definitely a little boy. You are absolutely the most stereotypical, loud, rowdy, crazy boy. You love all things boy - cars, trucks, tractors, bridges, trains, buses, and destroying.
For you, learning to walk was a slower process where you didn't really hit your true stride until 14 or 15 months. I have read that the bigger the baby, the longer it takes for them to really get moving so the theory fits with you. Ever since you started walking, and now running, you have really slimmed out and simply lengthened up instead of out, something you did very quickly in your first year. I remember sometime around Christmas looking at you and realizing that I could actually see your neck, something I had never seen since you were a few weeks old. You are still thick, but I would imagine you might always be. Your Dad and I are not small people therefore I can't imagine why you would be either. Today, on your birthday we measured you and marked your height on the measuring stick that I made last year. It is great to be able to see how much you have grown...I know making a new mark will be something I look forward to each year.
You are smart. You love to learn and love to practice something over and over again until you can do it by yourself and to perfection. I see your Dad in you as you often get frustrated when you initially have trouble with something. You are both perfectionists and I think the learner in him has brushed off in you. I fully expect and accept that you will one day be smarter than me. You are just that way and I can tell already that you will be a lifelong learner. You are so much like your Dad in that way. It is never enough for your Dad just to shrug off how things work and let them do their job. Your Dad always wants to research and understand each and every thing in our home and in the world. You seem to be the same way. Hopefully you'll go easy on me when I you realize that I just don't share that trait. A student, I am not. I love that you are already on this path as I know how much fun you and your Dad will have learning together. You and he can read every sign on hikes, spend hours reading online about everything under the sun and go through the years discussing the latest and greatest.
Something I realized the other day is just how easy a toddler you have been even though you were a difficult baby and an extremely challenged sleeper for quite a few of your initial months of life. Although sleeping was such a challenge for you for those first months, ever since then you are the ideal sleeper. Zero complaints. For the past year, you have handled every transition with ease. A few months ago we decided to move you to a toddler bed thinking that we wanted to get that over and done with while your sister was still up at that time anyways. I didn't want to wait until she was going to bed at 7:30 and then deal with you getting out of bed again and again for hours. I should have given you more credit. From night one, you stayed in your bed. You fell out once, but that wasn't anything a pool noodle under the sheet couldn't fix. It was then that I realized that you truly have transitioned through each and every stage with almost no problems. As tough a newborn that you were, you have made up for it tenfold.
This year, we changed everything and added another baby to our family. You, my friend, love on your sister like I always hoped you would. You are gentle and caring and compassionate to her and what she needs. One time a month or so ago you accidentally hit her with a toy you were playing with and she started crying. Instantly, you started bawling, tears flowed and your lips quivered. You were so sorry. You are on your way to being a great big brother. I am sure the two of you will have your moments, but I could not have asked for a better introduction to the dynamic of having 2 kids.
Over the past year, you have become a wonderfully awesome, super fun little boy. There have been times however when you and I have come to "blows". Your wonderfulness sometimes spills over into craziness and your craziness sometimes morphs into super loudness and annoyingness. You are 2 and for the past year I have had to remind myself of your age from time to time. You will sometimes cry because your bath made you wet, or because your milk out of the fridge was cold, or because I picked up the wrong book off the shelf. I have to remember that outbursts and ridiculousness comes with the territory of being 2 and try not to hold it against you too much. Luckily for me, you make up for it with your cuteness and your general disposition that can turn even the saddest and grumpiest of my moods around as quickly as they began. I remember when my sisters kids were your age and they would do something rotten to their Mom and she would of course, discipline them. Not 2 seconds later, after all the tears were wiped and sorry's were said, she would act as if nothing happened, and simply go on with the day calling them "sweetheart" and "honey". Before I had you, and before this past year I always wondered how she did that. To me, I thought, if my kid had just done that with me, I would be still be angry, at least for an hour or two. You have shown me why my sister was able to brush things off so easily. When it's your own kid, it just comes with the love and joy you have for them. No matter how rotten you have been from time to time over this past year, once you are past it and back to sweetness, so am I. I simply can't help but forgive and forget. I could never hold a grudge on you.
Every stage we have gotten through with you has been my most favorite and the stage we are in now is no different. I love your independence, your politeness, your humour, your words. You are so happy to be you and I am so happy to have a front row seat. You make me laugh more than I ever thought a 2 year old could and make me happy to be exactly where we are. Seeing the world through your eyes brings me more energy than I ever thought I could have while mothering 2 kids under 2. You think the simplest things are so incredibly interesting. You start each day with joy and energy and excitement. You find fun in anything and simply love living. You are my bestest boy and my sweetest little man.
This morning, I conducted the first of an annual interview that we will repeat yearly on your birthday. Even though this video is a bit of a mess, I love how it represents who you are today. You are exactly you in this...energetic, funny, and never stop moving. My personal favorite moment is when you pretend to be sleeping around the 2:30 mark. Obviously I am not a very engaging interviewer. Can't wait to see what you will be like one year from now and how your answers will differ. Hopefully you might actually sit still as well...
I will cherish this video and how it so perfectly represents you and all I love and adore.
Happy Birthday, bub. To the moon and back, you are forever loved.
Mommy
xoxo
Today, you turn 2 years old and it is exactly one year since I have written you. First of all, thank you for the past year. It has been so much fun to spend it with you and watch you every second of the way. You and your super fun self have made being your Mom just the best thing that I could ever ask for. When looking back at pictures from this time one year ago, it really magnifies how much you have grown and developed. One year ago, you couldn't walk, now you run...everywhere. One year ago, you couldn't say much of anything, and what you could say, I couldn't really understand. Now you are constantly talking, 80% or so of which I understand - we are getting there. Bottom line is that one year ago you were still very much a baby and today, you are most definitely a little boy. You are absolutely the most stereotypical, loud, rowdy, crazy boy. You love all things boy - cars, trucks, tractors, bridges, trains, buses, and destroying.
For you, learning to walk was a slower process where you didn't really hit your true stride until 14 or 15 months. I have read that the bigger the baby, the longer it takes for them to really get moving so the theory fits with you. Ever since you started walking, and now running, you have really slimmed out and simply lengthened up instead of out, something you did very quickly in your first year. I remember sometime around Christmas looking at you and realizing that I could actually see your neck, something I had never seen since you were a few weeks old. You are still thick, but I would imagine you might always be. Your Dad and I are not small people therefore I can't imagine why you would be either. Today, on your birthday we measured you and marked your height on the measuring stick that I made last year. It is great to be able to see how much you have grown...I know making a new mark will be something I look forward to each year.
You are smart. You love to learn and love to practice something over and over again until you can do it by yourself and to perfection. I see your Dad in you as you often get frustrated when you initially have trouble with something. You are both perfectionists and I think the learner in him has brushed off in you. I fully expect and accept that you will one day be smarter than me. You are just that way and I can tell already that you will be a lifelong learner. You are so much like your Dad in that way. It is never enough for your Dad just to shrug off how things work and let them do their job. Your Dad always wants to research and understand each and every thing in our home and in the world. You seem to be the same way. Hopefully you'll go easy on me when I you realize that I just don't share that trait. A student, I am not. I love that you are already on this path as I know how much fun you and your Dad will have learning together. You and he can read every sign on hikes, spend hours reading online about everything under the sun and go through the years discussing the latest and greatest.
Something I realized the other day is just how easy a toddler you have been even though you were a difficult baby and an extremely challenged sleeper for quite a few of your initial months of life. Although sleeping was such a challenge for you for those first months, ever since then you are the ideal sleeper. Zero complaints. For the past year, you have handled every transition with ease. A few months ago we decided to move you to a toddler bed thinking that we wanted to get that over and done with while your sister was still up at that time anyways. I didn't want to wait until she was going to bed at 7:30 and then deal with you getting out of bed again and again for hours. I should have given you more credit. From night one, you stayed in your bed. You fell out once, but that wasn't anything a pool noodle under the sheet couldn't fix. It was then that I realized that you truly have transitioned through each and every stage with almost no problems. As tough a newborn that you were, you have made up for it tenfold.
This year, we changed everything and added another baby to our family. You, my friend, love on your sister like I always hoped you would. You are gentle and caring and compassionate to her and what she needs. One time a month or so ago you accidentally hit her with a toy you were playing with and she started crying. Instantly, you started bawling, tears flowed and your lips quivered. You were so sorry. You are on your way to being a great big brother. I am sure the two of you will have your moments, but I could not have asked for a better introduction to the dynamic of having 2 kids.
Over the past year, you have become a wonderfully awesome, super fun little boy. There have been times however when you and I have come to "blows". Your wonderfulness sometimes spills over into craziness and your craziness sometimes morphs into super loudness and annoyingness. You are 2 and for the past year I have had to remind myself of your age from time to time. You will sometimes cry because your bath made you wet, or because your milk out of the fridge was cold, or because I picked up the wrong book off the shelf. I have to remember that outbursts and ridiculousness comes with the territory of being 2 and try not to hold it against you too much. Luckily for me, you make up for it with your cuteness and your general disposition that can turn even the saddest and grumpiest of my moods around as quickly as they began. I remember when my sisters kids were your age and they would do something rotten to their Mom and she would of course, discipline them. Not 2 seconds later, after all the tears were wiped and sorry's were said, she would act as if nothing happened, and simply go on with the day calling them "sweetheart" and "honey". Before I had you, and before this past year I always wondered how she did that. To me, I thought, if my kid had just done that with me, I would be still be angry, at least for an hour or two. You have shown me why my sister was able to brush things off so easily. When it's your own kid, it just comes with the love and joy you have for them. No matter how rotten you have been from time to time over this past year, once you are past it and back to sweetness, so am I. I simply can't help but forgive and forget. I could never hold a grudge on you.
Every stage we have gotten through with you has been my most favorite and the stage we are in now is no different. I love your independence, your politeness, your humour, your words. You are so happy to be you and I am so happy to have a front row seat. You make me laugh more than I ever thought a 2 year old could and make me happy to be exactly where we are. Seeing the world through your eyes brings me more energy than I ever thought I could have while mothering 2 kids under 2. You think the simplest things are so incredibly interesting. You start each day with joy and energy and excitement. You find fun in anything and simply love living. You are my bestest boy and my sweetest little man.
This morning, I conducted the first of an annual interview that we will repeat yearly on your birthday. Even though this video is a bit of a mess, I love how it represents who you are today. You are exactly you in this...energetic, funny, and never stop moving. My personal favorite moment is when you pretend to be sleeping around the 2:30 mark. Obviously I am not a very engaging interviewer. Can't wait to see what you will be like one year from now and how your answers will differ. Hopefully you might actually sit still as well...
I will cherish this video and how it so perfectly represents you and all I love and adore.
Happy Birthday, bub. To the moon and back, you are forever loved.
Mommy
xoxo
This is to you.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Choo! Choo! Colin is 2!
There is nothing like a child's birthday to remind us how lucky we are to have such amazing friends and family. Yesterday, we all gathered to celebrate Colin and the fact that he will be turning 2 this week. It is hard to believe that it was 2 years ago that we first met him and welcomed him into our family. He is such a wonderful boy and therefore, only a very special Thomas birthday party would do.
Train tracks welcomed guests...
Considering he wouldn't touch his cake on his first birthday, we've come a long way in a year!
Train tracks welcomed guests...
A birthday banner hung on our soon (fingers crossed) to be stoned fireplace...
Goodies bags for the kids...
A Chip train...
A "Thomas" cake. This was my first attempt at a 3-D cake and my second time doing the icing this way so I am pretty proud of the way it turned out, aside from the fact that it looks nothing like Thomas!
And a very excited little boy...
The party started and we enjoyed lots of food, cake and visiting. Colin pretty much got given anything and everything Thomas and couldn't have been more excited or thrilled with each and every gift. Maybe Addy felt left out?
Considering he wouldn't touch his cake on his first birthday, we've come a long way in a year!
Happy Birthday, Colin!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Babyproofing.
I have many great friends and am so thankful for each and every one of them. One of those great friends is Susie Pierce (nee Laping). Susie and I met years ago, but then reconnected when I took her job at the WMBA as she was moving to Florida to marry a wonderful man. Susie and I both had baby boys around the same time and have enjoyed weekly talks ever since they were born. During our talks, we cover everything and anything and rarely is anything off limits. Obviously, we talk a lot about our kids and motherhood as many of the frustrations and challenges we face are the same.
A few weeks ago while Susie was visiting Winnipeg, she gave me the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage".
Susie came across the book at a local second hand store near her home down south and after reading it herself, thought it would be something I would enjoy and benefit from as well.
The book does a great job of cutting to the chase. Becoming a mother is hard. It is hard on yourself and it is hard on your marriage. It is extremely easy to fall into deep and dark holes filled with tears - both yours and the babies. The book goes through a few of the biggest problems marriages often face after the addition of a baby and gives practical examples of how to avoid and work through each and every one of them. For me, it also confirmed the fact that the feelings of inadequacy, frustration and exhaustion are more common that many others like to admit. In fact, I would bet that the vast majority of mothers, especially new ones experience these feelings and this book solidifies that it is OKAY. It does not make you a bad mother, it does not mean you don't love your kids, and it does not mean that you will feel this way forever.
I would like to preface the following post with the fact that I LOVE MY KIDS. I love being a MOM. It is an incredible blessing, something I am not worthy of, and I wouldn't change anything for anything. That being said... sometimes, it's hard.
As I have never tried to hide, having a child, and now children, has been a major adjustment for me. I am very much a controller and a planner and having kids kind of puts a damper on all of those things. Over the past 2 years, I have struggled a number of times with the reality that is now my life and this book helped me to identify and accept the changes and embrace the differences.
A few weeks ago, Jason and I went on a date, something we do not do enough. We had dinner in our old neighbourhood where we lived PC (pre children) and enjoyed a nice drive down our old street after dinner. We reminisced about how nice it was to live there and how fun it was to be so close to so many shops, restaurants and walking paths, something I miss because it is so different compared to where we live now. We talked about how nice it was to take our dog for late night walks down Wellington Crescent and how it just isn't the same in the country. After a few minutes of the memories, we both realized that it wasn't our house on Campbell that we missed so much, it is the lives we lived before we had kids. The fact of the matter is that even if we did still live there, we would not be taking walks together at 9:00 p.m. Kids, and 7:30 bedtimes put a damper on that kind of activity. "Babyproofing Your Marriage" reminded me that I need to quit trying to get my old life back. It is gone. It is time to accept and surrender to the chaos. The book is right. When the house is a mess, both kids are crying, you're eating grilled cheese for supper (again), and I haven't been anywhere but Superstore for a week, I plan on trying to take a minute, laugh, and realize that before I know it these days will be gone and I will desperately want them back.
Another section of the book that really resonated with me is something the authors call the mommy chip - I am sure many other Mom's suffer from it as well. From the second Colin was born, the chip was activated and had never for a second, turned off. As a Mom, my mind is constantly spinning. What time is it? When will we need to eat again? Do I have enough diapers? Whose diaper needs changing? Will their winter coats fit come winter? How much milk is left in the fridge? Are we hitting developmental milestones? What nursery school will we attend? It never ends and it never stops. Something I have struggled with is accepting that I now have this chip and will most likely have it for the rest of my life, the questions will simply change as the kids get older. Accepting that I have this chip is challenging, but I think I am getting there. Tougher, is accepting and not punishing Jason for NOT having one. It is just the way it is. Men and Dad's can turn it off, or resist its implantation from the very beginning. We cannot. It is not their fault and it is not anything they are doing on purpose to simply to stick it to us. Their minds simply work differently. Although it drives me crazy, Jasons mind will never work like mine and the more I think about it, the more I realize that that is a very good thing for our marriage. Although I can't turn it off, Jason reminds me to pause it from time to time. He helps me go with the flow more and enjoy my time away without feeling the need to check in. He helps me stay grounded and not get carried away with questions, worries and planning.
The best thing I brought away from the book is the fact that if you want your husband to help you, and I do, than you have to let him do it his way. I am not good at this. I was even worse when it was just Colin. I have realized that I can't expect him to want to help me if everything he does also comes with criticism. He may have a different way to swaddle, a different bed time for Colin, and different clothes to put them in when getting them dressed but that HAS to be okay with me. He isn't me and he doesn't do things exactly like I do, but that doesn't mean his way is wrong.
A large section of the book talks about scorekeeping within a marriage and how easy it can be to start keeping score after a baby comes into the picture. Everything we do both at home and at work is included in the "score" and resentment starts to grow. The book talks a lot about how women feel abandoned at home all day with the kids, wanting their husbands help with more household tasks and help with the kids, and men feel their financial contribution by working all day is enough. I doubt the book intended to help me in this particular way, but reading this section reminded me just how good I have it. The fact of the matter is that Jason is a huge help to me. He willingly takes Colin whenever he can, helps around the house, and is constantly working on projects in order to finish our home. Don't get me wrong, their have been times where we, like any marriage, have been frustrated with each other and the amount of support we were getting, but for the most part, we are pretty good.
The last part of the book that really resonated with me was the section discussing the pressure Mom's put on themselves. We all want to be the perfect Mom - I am no exception. That being said, I also want a career. The book explains that the women of our generation have been told since birth that we can do anything we want. We can climb the corporate ladder just like men can and that no job is out of reach. Having a career and being a Mom is not impossible - women having been doing it for years. However, doing both perfectly, is. The fact of the matter is that something, somewhere has to give. I do plan on going back to work next year and although would prefer part time, know that sometime in the near future, I will probably work full time. If I am going to do that, I am going to have to realize that I am probably not going to be able to stay on top of everything at home. The house will not always be clean. My kids clothes will not always be folded and put away. I will not always be able to bring home made snacks to soccer. It is simply impossible to do both to perfection. It will not be easy for me but reading this book has reminded me that it is ok and at the end of the day, Colin and Addy will be just fine with wrinkly clothes, granola bars, and messy rooms. Women have such a bad habit of judging and making each other feel somehow less worthy for the decisons they have made. Working Mom's judge stay at home mom's for not "working". Stay at home Mom's judge working mom's for putting their kids in daycare. We judge, judge, judge and I can include myself in that "we". This book reminded me that at the end of the day, we are all working towards the same goal - doing what is best for our kids. For me, I know that working out of the home is better for my kids. I am a happier, more fulfilled person when I am working and in turn, a better Mom. The book reminded me that each mother needs to make their own decision for what is best for them and at the end of the day, women need to support each other for each one, and feel blessed that we even have a choice to make.
I would really recommend this book to any couple who is planning on welcoming children into their marriage, or who have already taken the plunge. It is a great reminder of how a baby can affect marriage, and how it important it is for both the husband and wife to ensure they are supporting, helping and communicating with each other through it all. It is also a bit of a pep talk for any Mom who is feeling a little less than perfect and who struggles sometimes to make it through the day.
Bottom line is that the book reminded me that my marriage is doing pretty well through it all, however that I never want to stop working on us. Jason and I have tried very hard to communicate and vent when we need so that pent up emotions and frustrations don't snowball and blow up in each others faces. That being said, at the end of the day, Jason still makes me smile, makes me swoon, and makes me fall in love all over again. Looking at Jason also reminds me of what commitment truly is. I have realized after reading this book that no one would ever love our children as much he does. No one else in the world could ever share that with me, ever. That is something worth working on each and every day and doing whatever we can to ensure that we stick together and team play our way through these years. At the end of them all, we will hopefully have wonderful children and an even better marriage than we started with. It is then that we will travel the world, love on our grandchildren (fingers crossed), enjoy each others company, and most importantly... sleep A LOT more.
A few weeks ago while Susie was visiting Winnipeg, she gave me the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage".
Susie came across the book at a local second hand store near her home down south and after reading it herself, thought it would be something I would enjoy and benefit from as well.
The book does a great job of cutting to the chase. Becoming a mother is hard. It is hard on yourself and it is hard on your marriage. It is extremely easy to fall into deep and dark holes filled with tears - both yours and the babies. The book goes through a few of the biggest problems marriages often face after the addition of a baby and gives practical examples of how to avoid and work through each and every one of them. For me, it also confirmed the fact that the feelings of inadequacy, frustration and exhaustion are more common that many others like to admit. In fact, I would bet that the vast majority of mothers, especially new ones experience these feelings and this book solidifies that it is OKAY. It does not make you a bad mother, it does not mean you don't love your kids, and it does not mean that you will feel this way forever.
I would like to preface the following post with the fact that I LOVE MY KIDS. I love being a MOM. It is an incredible blessing, something I am not worthy of, and I wouldn't change anything for anything. That being said... sometimes, it's hard.
As I have never tried to hide, having a child, and now children, has been a major adjustment for me. I am very much a controller and a planner and having kids kind of puts a damper on all of those things. Over the past 2 years, I have struggled a number of times with the reality that is now my life and this book helped me to identify and accept the changes and embrace the differences.
A few weeks ago, Jason and I went on a date, something we do not do enough. We had dinner in our old neighbourhood where we lived PC (pre children) and enjoyed a nice drive down our old street after dinner. We reminisced about how nice it was to live there and how fun it was to be so close to so many shops, restaurants and walking paths, something I miss because it is so different compared to where we live now. We talked about how nice it was to take our dog for late night walks down Wellington Crescent and how it just isn't the same in the country. After a few minutes of the memories, we both realized that it wasn't our house on Campbell that we missed so much, it is the lives we lived before we had kids. The fact of the matter is that even if we did still live there, we would not be taking walks together at 9:00 p.m. Kids, and 7:30 bedtimes put a damper on that kind of activity. "Babyproofing Your Marriage" reminded me that I need to quit trying to get my old life back. It is gone. It is time to accept and surrender to the chaos. The book is right. When the house is a mess, both kids are crying, you're eating grilled cheese for supper (again), and I haven't been anywhere but Superstore for a week, I plan on trying to take a minute, laugh, and realize that before I know it these days will be gone and I will desperately want them back.
Another section of the book that really resonated with me is something the authors call the mommy chip - I am sure many other Mom's suffer from it as well. From the second Colin was born, the chip was activated and had never for a second, turned off. As a Mom, my mind is constantly spinning. What time is it? When will we need to eat again? Do I have enough diapers? Whose diaper needs changing? Will their winter coats fit come winter? How much milk is left in the fridge? Are we hitting developmental milestones? What nursery school will we attend? It never ends and it never stops. Something I have struggled with is accepting that I now have this chip and will most likely have it for the rest of my life, the questions will simply change as the kids get older. Accepting that I have this chip is challenging, but I think I am getting there. Tougher, is accepting and not punishing Jason for NOT having one. It is just the way it is. Men and Dad's can turn it off, or resist its implantation from the very beginning. We cannot. It is not their fault and it is not anything they are doing on purpose to simply to stick it to us. Their minds simply work differently. Although it drives me crazy, Jasons mind will never work like mine and the more I think about it, the more I realize that that is a very good thing for our marriage. Although I can't turn it off, Jason reminds me to pause it from time to time. He helps me go with the flow more and enjoy my time away without feeling the need to check in. He helps me stay grounded and not get carried away with questions, worries and planning.
The best thing I brought away from the book is the fact that if you want your husband to help you, and I do, than you have to let him do it his way. I am not good at this. I was even worse when it was just Colin. I have realized that I can't expect him to want to help me if everything he does also comes with criticism. He may have a different way to swaddle, a different bed time for Colin, and different clothes to put them in when getting them dressed but that HAS to be okay with me. He isn't me and he doesn't do things exactly like I do, but that doesn't mean his way is wrong.
A large section of the book talks about scorekeeping within a marriage and how easy it can be to start keeping score after a baby comes into the picture. Everything we do both at home and at work is included in the "score" and resentment starts to grow. The book talks a lot about how women feel abandoned at home all day with the kids, wanting their husbands help with more household tasks and help with the kids, and men feel their financial contribution by working all day is enough. I doubt the book intended to help me in this particular way, but reading this section reminded me just how good I have it. The fact of the matter is that Jason is a huge help to me. He willingly takes Colin whenever he can, helps around the house, and is constantly working on projects in order to finish our home. Don't get me wrong, their have been times where we, like any marriage, have been frustrated with each other and the amount of support we were getting, but for the most part, we are pretty good.
The last part of the book that really resonated with me was the section discussing the pressure Mom's put on themselves. We all want to be the perfect Mom - I am no exception. That being said, I also want a career. The book explains that the women of our generation have been told since birth that we can do anything we want. We can climb the corporate ladder just like men can and that no job is out of reach. Having a career and being a Mom is not impossible - women having been doing it for years. However, doing both perfectly, is. The fact of the matter is that something, somewhere has to give. I do plan on going back to work next year and although would prefer part time, know that sometime in the near future, I will probably work full time. If I am going to do that, I am going to have to realize that I am probably not going to be able to stay on top of everything at home. The house will not always be clean. My kids clothes will not always be folded and put away. I will not always be able to bring home made snacks to soccer. It is simply impossible to do both to perfection. It will not be easy for me but reading this book has reminded me that it is ok and at the end of the day, Colin and Addy will be just fine with wrinkly clothes, granola bars, and messy rooms. Women have such a bad habit of judging and making each other feel somehow less worthy for the decisons they have made. Working Mom's judge stay at home mom's for not "working". Stay at home Mom's judge working mom's for putting their kids in daycare. We judge, judge, judge and I can include myself in that "we". This book reminded me that at the end of the day, we are all working towards the same goal - doing what is best for our kids. For me, I know that working out of the home is better for my kids. I am a happier, more fulfilled person when I am working and in turn, a better Mom. The book reminded me that each mother needs to make their own decision for what is best for them and at the end of the day, women need to support each other for each one, and feel blessed that we even have a choice to make.
I would really recommend this book to any couple who is planning on welcoming children into their marriage, or who have already taken the plunge. It is a great reminder of how a baby can affect marriage, and how it important it is for both the husband and wife to ensure they are supporting, helping and communicating with each other through it all. It is also a bit of a pep talk for any Mom who is feeling a little less than perfect and who struggles sometimes to make it through the day.
Bottom line is that the book reminded me that my marriage is doing pretty well through it all, however that I never want to stop working on us. Jason and I have tried very hard to communicate and vent when we need so that pent up emotions and frustrations don't snowball and blow up in each others faces. That being said, at the end of the day, Jason still makes me smile, makes me swoon, and makes me fall in love all over again. Looking at Jason also reminds me of what commitment truly is. I have realized after reading this book that no one would ever love our children as much he does. No one else in the world could ever share that with me, ever. That is something worth working on each and every day and doing whatever we can to ensure that we stick together and team play our way through these years. At the end of them all, we will hopefully have wonderful children and an even better marriage than we started with. It is then that we will travel the world, love on our grandchildren (fingers crossed), enjoy each others company, and most importantly... sleep A LOT more.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
3 Months.
Dear Addy,
Well little girl, we made it. 3 months is always the goal when you have a newborn as you are now, officially, not a newborn anymore, you are a full fledged baby. Even though I am glad to be through the initial months, I really can't complain too much about what has taken place around here lately. You are what is known as an angel baby. You truly are the most content, happiest, most social little girl. You are sleeping like a champ and giving me 10-11 hours of uninterrupted down time each and every night. You are super happy in the late evenings sometimes but are getting better at going down each and every night. I cannot remember the last time I got up with you between the hours of 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. You are a sleeper. Praise the Lord. This past month, you became even more alert and LOVE to be held outward so you can see the world. You still aren't awake for a whole heck of a lot during the day (or at night for that matter), but for the few moments between eating and going back to bed, you are so much fun to watch. One of my biggest complaints with your brother at this age was that I felt like he was never happy. No matter what I tried, I couldn't please him. You, my sweet girl, are the opposite. You love your swing (especially now that I have figured out that it can sit even more upright), love your gym, but more than anything, love to just sit in the crack of a couch and take it all in. You are so strong already and can sit like that for as long as I let you.
You are getting so big. At the doctor a few weeks ago you came in at 14lbs and 24 inches putting you in the 94th percentile for both. I think it is clear...your Dad and I do not make small kids. Thankfully, even though you are a lady tank, you still have a softness to you. Your features are dainty and your eyes sparkle. Your hair is crazy and I have no idea what to do with it. I think at this point, it just has to grow and we'll see where we are in a few months. I promise that I will introduce you to a hair straightener when it becomes socially acceptable so you can avoid the years of half straight/half curly coifs that I sported for the better part of the 90's. Your eyes are still so very blue which makes me wonder if they will stay that way. People say you look like me and I can't help but agree. I love that.
I have a very long list of wants for you. More than anything else though, I want you to be a strong woman. As your Grandpa always said to me "we need more assertive young women in this society." I want you to strive to be whatever it is you desire. I want you to be strong in your beliefs, your values and your integrity. I hope that I can help you establish these things early on so that when the teenage and early adulthood years arrive, you are well versed in them all. I want you be confident in yourself and be able to solve your own problems. I want you to face issues head on and not avoid confrontation. I want you to be able to express your feelings and say what you really mean, no matter what others may think. I want you to be strong. I will do what I can to help, and I promise you that I will do anything I can to encourage and support you through tougher times. When I was growing up and had a problem with someone (usually a friend, teacher or coach), my parents really encouraged me to confront whomever I had the issue with and come to a resolution. They did not fight my battles for me and in turn really taught me how to deal with people, even difficult ones. I owe my people skills wholly to them and I will try my best to give you that same gift. So far, your head strength is your only strength, but you have to start somewhere, right? At least we're moving in the right direction.
Last weekend, we had your cousins, Cole and Lily here for the weekend as their parents went to an out of town wedding. For 3 days, I got to experience what it is like to have a 3 year old girl around these parts. It became very clear, very quickly, the differences between boys and girls as Cole and Colin pretty much did their own thing and Lily, was stuck to me like glue. There were very few moments over the course of the weekend where I was alone as Lily always wanted to know what was going on, "help", or simply chat about anything and everything. It reminded me just how much more social girls are and that I should be ready for that to be you in a just a few short years. While I love Colin's independence, I'm sure I will also love the closeness that you and I will hopefully share.
It is still hard to believe that I have TWO children. Let's be honest here, it is still hard to believe that I have ONE child. I have been doing a lot of reading these days about parenthood, and marriage after kids and one line that really resonated with that is if life is like swimming, having kids is simply treading water. You don't get anywhere for at least the first five years, you are simply trying to stay afloat. I'm sorry to tell you, especially if you have your own kids one day, but I can't help but agree with this metaphor. Ever since your brother was born, and magnified even more with you, life has not been...ummm...restful. Your Dad and I have just been treading water, getting through each and every day and staying on our toes as schedules, temperaments and stages continue to change daily. As easy as you are, you, like any newborn, come with your challenges and frustrating days. We are in fact treading, however you, my sweet girl, at least make the water warm. Your smiles, your laughs, your stories make even the more tiring days feel wonderful. You are my sweetest girl.
Love you to forever and always x3,
Mama
xoxo
Well little girl, we made it. 3 months is always the goal when you have a newborn as you are now, officially, not a newborn anymore, you are a full fledged baby. Even though I am glad to be through the initial months, I really can't complain too much about what has taken place around here lately. You are what is known as an angel baby. You truly are the most content, happiest, most social little girl. You are sleeping like a champ and giving me 10-11 hours of uninterrupted down time each and every night. You are super happy in the late evenings sometimes but are getting better at going down each and every night. I cannot remember the last time I got up with you between the hours of 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. You are a sleeper. Praise the Lord. This past month, you became even more alert and LOVE to be held outward so you can see the world. You still aren't awake for a whole heck of a lot during the day (or at night for that matter), but for the few moments between eating and going back to bed, you are so much fun to watch. One of my biggest complaints with your brother at this age was that I felt like he was never happy. No matter what I tried, I couldn't please him. You, my sweet girl, are the opposite. You love your swing (especially now that I have figured out that it can sit even more upright), love your gym, but more than anything, love to just sit in the crack of a couch and take it all in. You are so strong already and can sit like that for as long as I let you.
You are getting so big. At the doctor a few weeks ago you came in at 14lbs and 24 inches putting you in the 94th percentile for both. I think it is clear...your Dad and I do not make small kids. Thankfully, even though you are a lady tank, you still have a softness to you. Your features are dainty and your eyes sparkle. Your hair is crazy and I have no idea what to do with it. I think at this point, it just has to grow and we'll see where we are in a few months. I promise that I will introduce you to a hair straightener when it becomes socially acceptable so you can avoid the years of half straight/half curly coifs that I sported for the better part of the 90's. Your eyes are still so very blue which makes me wonder if they will stay that way. People say you look like me and I can't help but agree. I love that.
I have a very long list of wants for you. More than anything else though, I want you to be a strong woman. As your Grandpa always said to me "we need more assertive young women in this society." I want you to strive to be whatever it is you desire. I want you to be strong in your beliefs, your values and your integrity. I hope that I can help you establish these things early on so that when the teenage and early adulthood years arrive, you are well versed in them all. I want you be confident in yourself and be able to solve your own problems. I want you to face issues head on and not avoid confrontation. I want you to be able to express your feelings and say what you really mean, no matter what others may think. I want you to be strong. I will do what I can to help, and I promise you that I will do anything I can to encourage and support you through tougher times. When I was growing up and had a problem with someone (usually a friend, teacher or coach), my parents really encouraged me to confront whomever I had the issue with and come to a resolution. They did not fight my battles for me and in turn really taught me how to deal with people, even difficult ones. I owe my people skills wholly to them and I will try my best to give you that same gift. So far, your head strength is your only strength, but you have to start somewhere, right? At least we're moving in the right direction.
It is still hard to believe that I have TWO children. Let's be honest here, it is still hard to believe that I have ONE child. I have been doing a lot of reading these days about parenthood, and marriage after kids and one line that really resonated with that is if life is like swimming, having kids is simply treading water. You don't get anywhere for at least the first five years, you are simply trying to stay afloat. I'm sorry to tell you, especially if you have your own kids one day, but I can't help but agree with this metaphor. Ever since your brother was born, and magnified even more with you, life has not been...ummm...restful. Your Dad and I have just been treading water, getting through each and every day and staying on our toes as schedules, temperaments and stages continue to change daily. As easy as you are, you, like any newborn, come with your challenges and frustrating days. We are in fact treading, however you, my sweet girl, at least make the water warm. Your smiles, your laughs, your stories make even the more tiring days feel wonderful. You are my sweetest girl.
Love you to forever and always x3,
Mama
xoxo
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Summer Projects: Updated.
The summer is approaching its half way mark and thankfully we are well on our way to completing all the outdoor projects we had earmarked to take place over the 2 months Jason is away from school.
The peak has been completed...
Our house finally has its sign and numbers...
Next on the list - downspouts...
Our summer list is starting to look a little less daunting. Like I have said before, there is no better feeling than crossing off jobs that seem to have been on our list forever. Although this is only our 2nd summer in this house, it feels great to know that as time goes on and the sharpie gets a workout almost daily, we are one step closer to having the completed home we have dreamt about from the start.
Monday, July 16, 2012
2 Months.
Dear Addy,
Just as I predicted in my one month letter to you, this past month has flown by. It is amazing what a difference one month can make when you're dealing with a newborn. A little over 4 weeks ago I was still struggling with getting you figured out and integrating you into the routine I had engrained into Colin. Today, things are working so well it almost scares me as I don't quite believe it. You are so easy that I am just waiting for the day where everything will change and you will become more like your brother was at your age. Here's hoping that day never comes!
You have mostly slept and ate the past month away, but you did open you eyes from time to time to say hello and gift us with your first smiles. You have grown so much and are officially out of your first sets of clothes. We also experienced our first blip this month when you and I both had thrush. Although it was not very much fun for either of us, you took it like a champ and besides some mild discomfort during the day, you still slept like a log and battled through your meds. I think you are going to be tough. I love that. When I was pregnant with you and still doing Cross Fit 3 times a week, I used to think about you while there and hope that by battling through even the toughest work outs, I was setting an example for you of what it means to be tough. So far, you seem to have been paying attention.
We travelled for the first time with you this month as well, first with a long weekend at Bird Lake, and next with a whole week at Westhawk Lake. You were so happy and slept so well during both trips that at times, I almost forgot you were there. Besides a bit of a rash, you soaked in the heat and enjoyed having different people to hug and love on you. You did not so much enjoy the water, but I can't say that I am surprised as the lake water is substantially cooler than your warm bath and cozy bed.
This past week, for really the first time since you were born, your brother started to pay attention to you. All of a sudden he is extremely concerned with where you are and what you are doing. He says "Hi, Addy" over and over again and wants to help by getting me diapers and finding your soother when you are crying. Watching him care for you so gently makes me wonder what is in store for your relationship with him as you get older. I am sure I will spend many years as a referee between you two, but I sincerely hope that you two are close one day. He loves you so much already and although I am sure there will come a day where he would swear he doesn't, I know that you will always hold a special place in his heart. Thank you for putting up with him as his touch is sometimes not as gentle as I request and his voice is often louder than I would like. You don't seem to mind.
This month, the dust settled and life returned to our new normal. I owe this to you. If it wasn't for you, and exactly the way you are, I am not sure I would be able to say that just yet. I still cannot believe what a good baby you are. A few weeks ago, you officially slept through the night for the first time. Although you don't make it that far every night, you are gifting me with 10 straight hours of sleep about 4 times a week and I feel like a new person as a result. The other 3 nights are pieces of cake with just a short visit around 5 a.m. The fact that you are doing this on a consistent basis at only 2 months old is something I never expected but is a gift I have no problem accepting.
Oh sweet one, you are my most favorite little girl. You make me laugh, you make me dream, and above all, you make me love all over again. Falling in love with you each and every day is the most perfect way to spend the summer. I look so forward to the next 6 weeks we have your Dad for as having him around means everything is just better. Not only do we get to spend more time together as a family, but we also get to spend more time just you and I, as he and Colin can go off on their own. It's you and me, and the boys, my friend.
I love you, I adore you, I cherish you. I have for the last 2 months plus the 10 before I knew you. In a way, I have loved you since the moment I met your father and he and I started dreaming about the kids we hoped we would meet one day. You are everything I hoped you would be and more. I hope that I am always what you need, even when you don't see it that way at the time. I promise I will always try to steer you in the right direction and be there for you when you need me. You, your brother and your father are my everything and I am so lucky to share with you your every moment. You are my joy. You are my light. You are my Addy.
Love you to always and forever x2,
Mama
xoxo
Just as I predicted in my one month letter to you, this past month has flown by. It is amazing what a difference one month can make when you're dealing with a newborn. A little over 4 weeks ago I was still struggling with getting you figured out and integrating you into the routine I had engrained into Colin. Today, things are working so well it almost scares me as I don't quite believe it. You are so easy that I am just waiting for the day where everything will change and you will become more like your brother was at your age. Here's hoping that day never comes!
You have mostly slept and ate the past month away, but you did open you eyes from time to time to say hello and gift us with your first smiles. You have grown so much and are officially out of your first sets of clothes. We also experienced our first blip this month when you and I both had thrush. Although it was not very much fun for either of us, you took it like a champ and besides some mild discomfort during the day, you still slept like a log and battled through your meds. I think you are going to be tough. I love that. When I was pregnant with you and still doing Cross Fit 3 times a week, I used to think about you while there and hope that by battling through even the toughest work outs, I was setting an example for you of what it means to be tough. So far, you seem to have been paying attention.
We travelled for the first time with you this month as well, first with a long weekend at Bird Lake, and next with a whole week at Westhawk Lake. You were so happy and slept so well during both trips that at times, I almost forgot you were there. Besides a bit of a rash, you soaked in the heat and enjoyed having different people to hug and love on you. You did not so much enjoy the water, but I can't say that I am surprised as the lake water is substantially cooler than your warm bath and cozy bed.
This past week, for really the first time since you were born, your brother started to pay attention to you. All of a sudden he is extremely concerned with where you are and what you are doing. He says "Hi, Addy" over and over again and wants to help by getting me diapers and finding your soother when you are crying. Watching him care for you so gently makes me wonder what is in store for your relationship with him as you get older. I am sure I will spend many years as a referee between you two, but I sincerely hope that you two are close one day. He loves you so much already and although I am sure there will come a day where he would swear he doesn't, I know that you will always hold a special place in his heart. Thank you for putting up with him as his touch is sometimes not as gentle as I request and his voice is often louder than I would like. You don't seem to mind.
This month, the dust settled and life returned to our new normal. I owe this to you. If it wasn't for you, and exactly the way you are, I am not sure I would be able to say that just yet. I still cannot believe what a good baby you are. A few weeks ago, you officially slept through the night for the first time. Although you don't make it that far every night, you are gifting me with 10 straight hours of sleep about 4 times a week and I feel like a new person as a result. The other 3 nights are pieces of cake with just a short visit around 5 a.m. The fact that you are doing this on a consistent basis at only 2 months old is something I never expected but is a gift I have no problem accepting.
Oh sweet one, you are my most favorite little girl. You make me laugh, you make me dream, and above all, you make me love all over again. Falling in love with you each and every day is the most perfect way to spend the summer. I look so forward to the next 6 weeks we have your Dad for as having him around means everything is just better. Not only do we get to spend more time together as a family, but we also get to spend more time just you and I, as he and Colin can go off on their own. It's you and me, and the boys, my friend.
I love you, I adore you, I cherish you. I have for the last 2 months plus the 10 before I knew you. In a way, I have loved you since the moment I met your father and he and I started dreaming about the kids we hoped we would meet one day. You are everything I hoped you would be and more. I hope that I am always what you need, even when you don't see it that way at the time. I promise I will always try to steer you in the right direction and be there for you when you need me. You, your brother and your father are my everything and I am so lucky to share with you your every moment. You are my joy. You are my light. You are my Addy.
Love you to always and forever x2,
Mama
xoxo
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