Letter.

Dear Colin,

Longer than I care to admit ago, you turned 3 years old.  I am not sure why it took me so long to write this letter to you.  In some ways, it's hard to find the words to describe how much we love you, but in others I could write page after page about all the funny, sweet, caring, crazy, and sometimes frustrating things you do and say on a daily basis.  Through it all, at the end of each and EVERY day,  you are still, by far, my bestest boy.  You stole my heart the moment you were born and to this day you have yet to give it back.  You make me laugh every single day and make life that much sweeter than I ever thought it could be.

I have said this before, but you were a troubled baby.  You cried and cried and cried and you basically hated life for about the first 4 months.  You were hard and I felt like a failure.  My only job at that time was to make you happy and considering the fact that you were never happy for more than a minute or two, I felt that I was not doing my job very well.  You challenged me to slow down, to relax and to go with the flow - 3 things I made a point of never doing in the past.  It was tough but we made it through.  I am a better Mom because you pushed me so hard in those first few months and I owe much of your sister's ease to you.

Contrary to your general attitude as a baby, as a kid you are pretty much as easy at it comes.  You are polite and kind and loving and you for the most part, follow the rules without too many issues.  You do not push limits and you are a fun boy to be around.  You share so well with other kids and I never worry about your behaviour in public.  You are an easy kid to parent.

Over the past year we have watched you grow into a boy.  There is nothing baby about you anymore.  You vocabulary has exploded and every day you say a word that I had no idea you knew.  Not that we didn't know your personality from the moment you were born, but this past year, it was truly solidified.  If there is one thing that has been proven time and time again, it is that you cannot be rushed into anything.  You do everything your way, and in your own time.  The only saving grace of this equation is that you are also a huge copier of other kids.  Watching another kid do something first is pretty much the only way to get you to try it as well, unless we want to wait about 8 months for you to warm to it on your own.  That all being said, once you do something once, you are good to go for life.  You do not need convincing more than once, however the first try is agonizingly difficult.  For you and for me.  Years ago, your Auntie Heather and I made the joke that we were torturing your cousin Cole with fun as he was not a fan of the splash pad.  If that was the case with him, we have definitely tortured you with fun with splash pads, bouncy castles, bikes, boat rides and water guns.  Yes, this trait in you can sometimes be very frustrating.  At the end of the day though, I always remind myself that you will come to everything in time and just like your cousin did, you will face any challenge head on without a hesitation.  All I can do in the mean time is encourage you to step outside your comfort zone, assure you that trying new things is good and fun and be there to celebrate with you and comfort depending on how the first try goes.

When I watch your three year birthday interview and then, immediately after watch the one we recorded when you turned two, it amazes me how much you have grown.  Every new stage that we have entered with you has always been my new favorite and the one at present is no exception.  Your endless energy amazes me and your love of life and everything in it reminds me just how special it is to be able to watch you through it all.

It has been three years (and a month and a half, due to the tardiness of this letter) since you came into our lives and I still look at you with amazement that you are my kid.  I do not feel worthy of the responsibility that was entrusted in us when God made us your parents.  You are so much like your father that it continually amazes me.  I know that it is frustrating for him to watch you have the same frustrations and issues he had as a kid, but I know that this is just part of what makes you YOU.  You are very much your own person, with your own quirks and traits that will both help and challenge you along the way.  When you were a baby, we were in charge of pretty much doing one thing - keeping you alive.  I guess we can say, 3 years later, that we were successful in that.  Nowadays, yes, we still most definitely are in charge of still keeping you alive but our responsibility as parents goes much deeper than that.  I feel like we are truly entering the stage where you will be formed as a person and that is not something I take lightly.  I want nothing more than for you to be a strong, kind, caring, friendly person and know that every time I force you to say please, thank you and sorry, I am helping mould you into all of those things.  I owe so much of me to my parents and hope that one day you will say the same.  I promise that I will always do my best to help you, to challenge you and to support you and even though I am sure there will be times where I will drive you crazy, I hope that you will know deep down, that everything I do is for you and your sister.  You are our worlds and you are our everythings and there is nothing that we wouldn't do for either of you.

I am not naive enough to think that there won't be a day that will come where you will not want to hug me as tight (or at all), kiss me goodnight, or bargain for more cuddling time before bed.  For those reasons and about a million more, I know that I will look back on this three year old version of yourself and miss your innocence, your hilarity and above all your LOVE.  I know that time will change, you will grow and you will need me less and less.  That being said though, the LOVE, the love will never change.  It is constant, it is the rock that remains through it all and no matter how big you get, how far away you are, or how far away you wish I was, it will remain forever and always.

When I ask you lately how much you love me, your answer is always "10, Mommy".  In fact you love Daddy "10" too, but you only love Addy "1, because she is little".  I will hold on to this answer for as long as I live as it makes my heart ache and keeps my soul full.  You love for us is what makes all the craziness bearable, the ups of life so much sweeter and the downs that much easier to overcome.  Just as you did as a baby, you continue to push me to be better, to be more patient and to truly enjoy what life has to offer.  I owe you so much.  You owe me a few hundred hours of lost sleep.  Call it even?

Love you to the moon and back,

Happy Birthday x3, bub,

Mama
xoxo

Interview at 3.

Birthday letter to come, but for now, a simple interview with a 3 year old.

At least he didn't pretend to be asleep in the middle of it this year like last.


 

Transition.

This blog has definitely taken a back seat to life over the past 6 months or so which has seen me going back to work, Jason staying home with the kids all summer and life moving as quickly as ever.

I have thought about writing how I am doing with it all numerous times, but until today, didn't feel like I had all that much to say.  Yes, the past 4 months of working full time have been trying on me, on the kids and on Jason.  I have missed a few "firsts" here and there (Colin's first movie), but also caught a few that just happened to fall on the weekend (Addy's first steps).  I, at times, have felt like a failing parent, a crappy wife and an absent homemaker.  I have cried at my desk at work, cried in the car both to, and from work, and cried in Jason's arms on more than one occasion.  For a long time, I couldn't quite pinpoint the source of my tears but recently have finally been able to put my emotions and heart throbbing ache into words - I just want to take care of my family, and sometimes I don't feel like I am doing a very good job.  There are days where I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and as a result, nothing and nobody gets anything quality out of me.  I want to feel like I can do everything myself and my irrational, emotional self doesn't want to have to ask for help. 

Yes, there are rough days.  Days where Colin's "I don't want you to go to work, I want you to stay with me" daily morning speech wrench my heart so tight that I ache for hours.  That being said, for the most part, the vast majority, I think we are all doing pretty well.  The kids have had the opportunity to spend 2 months with their Dad - something that most kids never get the chance to do.  Even better, they got to spend time with an awesome Dad.  A Dad took them super fun places, plays puzzles and cars and reads books to their hearts content.  I have been able to rejoin the working world then been able to rejoin my loving family over dinner and playtime before bed.  I have still found some time to do the things I enjoy like baking, my project life and outings with the kids.  All in all, we are holding it together pretty well.

After next week, the summers last, our world will be shook up again with Jason returning to work, starting his masters and coaching responsibilities, my work travel resuming and university courses I have registered for starting, the kids back at daycare and Colin starting swimming and skating lessons.  I worry about Addy a little as she has developed a bit of a difficulty with new people over the past two months since she was at daycare and I anticipate that the first couple weeks will include tough morning goodbyes.  I am happy that I now have the experience to know that it will not last forever and that soon, our routine will calm. 

Even though our lives are sometimes upside down, and the days seem impossibly long and short all at the same time, I can truly say that I have nothing to complain about.  We all love each other, we have an amazing support system and are blessed beyond belief.  Life is crazy but life is good and although there are moments that seem to implode it all, when the dust settles, the goodness is all that remains.  And for that, I am truly grateful.

Thank you summer - you were a gem.  Hello fall, please take it easy on us.

Lucky.

Our little Canada Day tradition of heading off to Bird Lake has come and gone for another year and it delivered on everything it always promises to do.  The weather was perfect, the kids were happy, and the food was delicious.  And as always, the time spent with friends was just what I needed to bounce out of my work funk I found myself in lately.

The weekend, in pictures.

To friends, to summer and to living our lives intwined together.  We are the lucky ones.

Just like that.

The speed at which time flies is something that constantly amazes me.  I know people say this all the time, especially when it comes to their kids, but I can hardly believe that Addy is one entire year old.  A few weeks ago (clearly I am a little late on the blog entry) we all gathered to celebrate.

When thinking of a theme for her party, polka dots was one of the first things that came to mind.  To me they were cute, fun, and girly...3 things that perfectly describe Addy.  As a bonus, polka dot party supplies are quite easy to find!

Addy's cake was a labour of love and patience.  Love because it was quite time consuming and patience because I had Colin repeating "Can I have some please?" the ENTIRE time I was icing it.

Polka dot plates and napkins...

Polka dot banner on a finished fireplace (another blog to come with details on that one)...

Polka dot goody bags for the younger guests...

Polka dot balloons...

And the polka dot girl herself, complete with the smallest clip that has ever been created in her hair.

She is getting better on her feet every day, and will stand unassisted for lengthy periods of time now.

Some of the kids...

Presents!  This Hello Kitty doll was given to Addy when she was about 2 weeks old at a wedding shower we attended for a family member.  Lily was coveting the doll so I asked her then if she would take care of it until Addy was old enough to play with it herself.  Lily did just that, for almost a full year and reminded her mother of this fact before they left for the party and wanted to give it back to Addy as part of her birthday present.  Is she not just the sweetest cousin?

Daintily eating her cake.

Something I am trying to get better at is taking pictures of myself with the kids.  I really want to start documenting things better and have me included.  Glad we got one shot at least!

The party was great, I think everyone had a great time and Addy was immensely blessed with many fun toys and beautiful clothing.  Like I have said in the past, the party was just another great reminder of the amazing friends and family our kids have been blessed with.

On to year two!  Happy Birthday, Missy!

One Year.

Dear Addy,

Today, you turn exactly one year old.  A year ago today I woke up after another restless night of false labour and braxton hicks and most definitely did not think you were coming anytime soon.  You seemed to like it just where you were and did not seem to be in any rush.  I spent the day soaking in your brother and our simple life of morning walks, throwing rocks into the water at the park and leisurely strolls through the grocery store.  After a long walk with your Grandparents, your brother and I headed home to meet your Dad and Nana and Poppa at home for supper.  Mid-way through the meal was when I thought you might be near.  Half an hour later I was sure.

The past year has been fun, but I would be lying if I said it didn't come with its challenges.  I have never hidden from anyone that the newborn and super-baby stages are not my favorite.  I am not one of those people that soaks in a newborn and swoons and awes at their sight.  Don't get me wrong, I loved your small-ness, and how unbelievably cute your tiny hands and feet were, but the work associated with a newborn is something that can sometimes overshadow even the deepest of finger dimples.  Oh, the work.  The work is exhausting, even though you, my sweet girl, were actually fairly easy to figure out.  Getting nursing and sleeping established, fitting your needs into our daily lives, and dealing with a less than impressed toddler at times definitely created some challenging moments.  That being said, at the end of it all, your warmth and your joy are all I remember.

A few weeks ago, the weather finally turned and the sun started to shine.  Your room, since it faces west becomes quite warm in the afternoon even with the curtains drawn.  I went to get you from your afternoon nap and as I was taking off your sleep sack and basking in the joy that is you after a nap, I smelled a wonderful smell I had totally forgotten about.  The only way I can describe it is summer baby.  It is the smell of a baby after a nap in a warm room, where the bottom of their hair curls with sweat and the lotion on their skin is as fragrant as ever.  Combine that with a bit of diaper smell (which sounds gross but it isn't, I swear) and you have what is known as summer baby.  The second I smelt it I was transported back in time to the 1st summer we shared with your brother and how I would sink my nose into his neck after his naps and soak in the smell.  On this day, I did the same and you laughed and laughed at the feeling of my face, buried in your neck.  Simultaneously to the smell came the overwhelming reminder that with you, my sweet girl, the best is yet to come.  You have entered the baby/toddler stage and I adore it.  I love how much you talk now - you cannot sneak up on anyone.  You come barreling into a room and command the attention of everyone with your crazy looking crawl and your yells, squawks and squeals.  You smile for everyone - every where we are people constantly stop to love on you as your smile and your joy are truly contagious.  In the past month or so you have developed quite the temper and let everyone know when you are not happy.  Your brother is quickly figuring out that he can't get away with taking a toy from you as easily as he could in the past.  You are most certainly assertive when it comes to letting us know when you're not happy.  I suppose that's a good thing since your Grandpa always says "we need more assertive young women in this society".  Hopefully that trait will continue to grow in you.  It will definitely come in handy in the future.

You were never a crier, didn't really even shed a single tear until you became mobile.  And now, oh my, the tears.  The deadly silence before the wailing.  Because you hit your head again, or you're stuck,  or Colin has taken your toy, or we won't let you chew on Jake's ear.  And boy, do you play it up.  Like every incident is the end of the world.  And then, I give you your baby or your blanket, or both, and instantly you stop and snuggle into them and the world, to you, is perfect again.  I have never experienced a child be as comforted by an object as you are by those two things.  I will keep track of them like a hawk as I do not even want to know what a day would be like without them.

About 3 weeks ago, I went back to work and in a way, I lost a bit of you.  Today, sitting here and writing this letter to you, I feel like I don't know you as well as I used to.  I am not totally sure what time you have been napping, or what foods you have been trying during the day.  It is so very hard for me to accept that you are now somewhat independent from me.  It's a catch 22 as ultimately, growing independence is something that I look so forward to with both you and your brother, but I am not totally sure I was quite ready for it yet with you.  I am going to try hard to soak our long weekends in and use your birthday weekend where we don't have much going on to reconnect with you.  I want to smell your summer baby smell, kiss you soft cheeks and celebrate you and your One-ness.

Meeting you on that warm, dark May night was something I will never forget.  You were placed in my arms and you looked up at me with your dark blue eyes and instantly I knew that you were going to make my life so much better.  You have filled me right up and I now see life through the magic of your eyes.    The world has more colour because you are in it, music is a bit louder because you a hearing it, everything is funnier because you are laughing at it.

From day one, you have been the sweetest of the sweet.  The loveliest little girl and full of light and love.  I love you to the moon and back, to forever and always, and more than I could even explain or you could ever understand.  You are my bestest girl and I'm so happy you're mine.

Love you,

Mama
xoxo

The Heave/Drag

Well...it finally happened.  She moved.  We have been waiting for Addy to figure out how to get around for a few months now and just a few days ago she either developed the coordination, or something motivated her enough to actually make the first move.  Let me warn you before you watch this video, it's not pretty.  Her "crawl" is somewhat of a heave/drag and is anything but graceful.  Regardless, it does the trick.

After 11 months and countless weeks of trying, behold, the "crawl"...

Just as it was when Colin made his first moves, things will never quite be the same around here.  The gate to the basement now has to be closed at all times and the night lights I have throughout the house will need to be removed for the time being (something she has already discovered and ripped out a few times).  Unlike when Colin started to move though, this time around all our cupboard doors are in place and most everything breakable in our house is behind a door and out of reach.  The main issue that we now face is the dreaded day where we have forever switched from parents to referees.  It took Addy about half a day of crawling before she realized that she could now ruin her brothers life at any moment of her choosing.  You see, one of Colin's favorite things to do is line toys us in a line.  He lines trains, stuffed animals, cars, blocks, puzzles, anything he can find, all into lines.  This activity does not bode well for a house that now has a baby barrelling through it at all times of the day.  Last night, after breaking up their first real fight (Colin had his trains lined up and Addy was heaving herself all over them), I realized that they both have some serious learning to do.  Addy is going to have to learn limitations and to respect other people's things.  She is going to have to learn that everything cannot be hers whenever she chooses and will definitely need to start to understand the word no, something that I have not had to tell her much of all so far.  Colin is going to have a learn a heck of a lot more patience, and understand that Addy is a baby and doesn't know better sometimes.  Bottom line is that they both are in for some lessons and I am sure that their relationship, as they know it up to this point, will never be the same.  Wish us luck!