Six.

Dear Addy,

A few weeks ago, you turned six years old.  Between your "friends" party and your family celebrations, it felt like your birthday lasted a couple of weeks - just the way you'd prefer it I'm sure. 

When I think about you, today, at 6, my mind can start to race - you are a bit of a complicated one!  You are no longer a little girl - at times I feel like you are closer to tween than toddler, something that is hard to believe!

You are such a gentle soul - to your classmates, your siblings, to our new puppy Hank, to strangers we meet.  You are so gentle and patient and kind and truly seem to have already grasped what it means to be a great friend.  You compromise what you want and put others needs ahead of yours.  You are WAY more patient with your sister than I am sometimes.  You are the type of kid that I am 100% sure will be first in line when it comes to being a patrol, a helper in the kindergarten room or on Mrs. Castor's leadership team.  You simply are that kind of kid.

With that softness and gentleness can sometimes come a whole whack of sensitivity, but we're working on that.  Your feelings can sometimes be quick to hurt and when you live with an almost 4 year old sister who knows how to push your buttons, sometimes the tears just flow.  You feel so deeply and although there are times when I wish you would toughen up a touch, I do want to foster your sensitivity for good.  You see people who are hurting, who need a little extra, who could benefit from your joy and you gravitate to them and lift them up. 

We tried a lot of new things over the past year - the two major ones being ringette and piano.  Ringette was a success, although very basic and more like glorified skating lessons than an actual sport but you looked forward to it every week and always tried your best.  I so look forward to watching you next fall in the next level.  Piano was the same - you thrived.  Your teacher is simply perfect for you - positive, gentle, fun, full of song - all traits I'm sure are meant specifically for you.  Like your brother still struggles with sometimes, piano can also be extremely frustrating for you and when things are difficult you can sometimes crumble.  But we're working on that, and each and every time you sat down to play you gained strength and determination - even if that was motivated by earning Shopkins cards :).

You have had just a perfectly wonderful year of Kindergarten.  You were 100% ready in September and you have completely thrived throughout the whole year.  It is so rewarding as a parent to see your child do well in school - both socially and academically.  I have had the opportunity to volunteer a couple of times in your classroom this year and each time I so enjoyed watching you with your class.  You have already made some pretty special friendships I think, and are very lucky to have so many amazing friends. 

If you look at some of the research on middle children, you will see that middle children are stereo typically neglected by their parents.  I have a hard time believing this to be true with you.  It would simply be impossible, even if I tried, to neglect you.  On the one hand, your drama and emotion and personality scream for and straight up demand the attention, but on the other, you have such an amazing draw.  People simply want to be around you.  They want to hear what you have to say and want to know what you think.  And I, my sweet girl, are no different.  So please keep talking to me.  We have been working lately on talking through our problems instead of simply crying them out.  I remember my Mom once saying to me as I bawled on her shoulder but had no words - "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong".  I want to listen to every word you say.  And I want to help you.  I have said to you often lately - "I am on your team"...I promise that to be true. 

I have never once wished for you kids to stay little.  I thoroughly enjoy watching you grow and mature and become more independent from me each and every year that passes.  But, in June of your Kindergarten year, knowing that Grade One will be upon us soon and with it the full day, every day school day that it brings, I am most confident in this - I will miss you.  Your little sister will miss you.  Our mornings together, although often spent running errands or with me working away will not be the same without you.  I feel so grateful that I had the opportunity to be home a little more with you than with your brother.  I think you needed it, but I also think I needed it.  I needed to soak you in a little more and hold you a little tighter, but now you're ready.  And in the mean time, we will get to spend the summer together loving on each other (and driving each other crazy) and visiting Mickey and Minnie! before September comes and our time together gets cut.  Just promise me that you'll make up for it when you can.

Love you, sweet girl. x6

Love,

Mama
xoxo

Seven.

Dear Colin,

Well this is embarrassing.  It's almost February and I am just doing this now.  It's been so long that I almost tried to give myself the excuse that I should just forget it and make the announcement that these birthday letters for you guys end at 6 years old.  Which is just ridiculous because it was always my intention to continue these for you for every year that I am able - so, that's what we'll do.  Even if it's brutally late, or maybe short, I'm going to get some words out.

You are the best 7 year old I have ever had the pleasure to know.  I don't know if there was anything revolutionary or transformative in you between the age of 6 or 7 or if it was rather just a consistent and steady increase of maturity, calmness, rationality and patience.  Regardless of whether or not it was a switch over night or a work in progress, it is appreciated.  You are my steady state, my constant and my calm.  You rarely get upset, rarely cause problems and usually are the peacekeeper that your sisters desperately need.

It is an odd transition for a parent, when you realize that your child doesn't really need you anymore.  Don't get me wrong - you still need me for MANY things, but the basic stuff, you don't need.  You don't need help with clothes or shoes, don't need reminders or help in the bathroom, don't need help getting a snack, don't need me to help you get your hockey stuff on. Believe me, it is nice to not be needed every second of the day (especially when I have others who still do), but that doesn't change the fact that it just feels odd.  Especially when I think about the fact that as every year ticks by, you are going to need me less and less, big or small.  I am so impressed with your independance, your drive to learn and master new skills, and your ability to lead.  You are a true first born.

There is nothing a parent likes to hear more than the praise of their child from their teacher.  During the week you are at school for more hours a day than you are at home and there I am so proud of the reputation you have built for yourself at school.  We constantly hear about your kindness of others, your work ethic and how willing you are to help others.  There are no other traits that I wished more for you and at each parent teacher interview, each chance encounter with a teacher, it is like music to my ears to hear how much they appreciate and enjoy having them in your classroom. 

The other day you asked to speak to me "in private" (which by itself made my ears raise).  When we got into my room and closed the door, you asked me a simple question.  If you and I could go somewhere just us.  It made my heart swell to think about the fact that you still wanted/needed some time with just me, but also made me it hurt just a bit.  Sometimes I worry about the amount of time I spend working, the amount of time I spend distracted, the amount of times I feel pulled in a million directions.  I worry that each time I choose something that takes me away from you that you are mentally calculating a total to one day throw back in my face with feelings of resentment and neglect.  I don't think there is a parent in the world who hasn't felt the same at some point - because it never feels like enough.  Even though I hardly ever miss an activity or event of yours, even though I am there almost every morning and most bedtimes, it never seems like enough.  There just isn't enough hours in the day to be involved in as many things as we are and also have multiple opportunities a week to wind down and relax together or spend time just you and I. But that doesn't mean I will ever stop trying.  And ultimately, you can always know that even though I am not always there, or even though it may seem like sometimes I am choosing others, I would ALWAYS choose you.

You are a special boy.  You at 7 are exactly what I always hoped and prayed for in a 7 year old child.  You make me so incredibly proud.

Love you to the moon & back x7,

Mama
xoxo

Three.

Dear Aubrey,

A few weeks ago, you turned 3 years old.

I am fairly certain that I have said this in previous letters to you, but once again, if I could, I would pause you and keep you this age for just awhile longer.  You are just that sweet, and funny, and snuggly, and cute.  Maybe it's because I know that you are my last baby, or maybe you are just THAT fantastic, but either way, I could get used to having this version and this age of you around.

You are fiercely independent but at the same time the one that wants to be around me the most.  You play so well by yourself but will also just sit on my lap as I work on the computer quietly and contently.  You do not need any instruction or help to make up a game or go on a solo adventure.  You are the most content child I have ever experienced.

You still love you blanket (nee nee) more than anything but have recently been cut off from bringing it with us when we leave the house.  It was my doing...I just didn't think that a 3 year old really needed to be dragging a blanket around behind her at Costco or the hockey rink.  You have handled this transition well so far and enjoyed every homecoming a little more that you know nee nee is waiting for you.

This year will bring some changes for us as I am going to be home a lot more and you will not be in Nursery School like your sister did at 3.  It was a deliberate move on my part as your sister is starting Kindergarten and needed a bit more stability in the mornings before school.  I don't foresee you needing this same support from me, but who knows?  So for this year, it will be just you and I, every afternoon and wow does that ever excite me.  I genuinely enjoy every single minute that I get to spend with you and the fact that we will get so much time together is simply the best.

You are everyone's favourite.  I know that is partially due to the fact that you are simply the youngest but it is also due to the fact that you are just that fun.  Everywhere we go people are continually enthralled with you.  You have a certain positive energy and joy that radiates through your smile and your eyes that people can't help but notice.

You, my sweet girl, are a dream.  You are everything that a 3 year old should be and so much more than I ever knew was possible.  You have fit into our family effortlessly and perfectly and made everything so incredibly wonderful and complete.  You were the best decision your Dad and I have ever made and I am so incredibly thankful that you are OURS.

This video, like every other one, is so perfectly you.  You are so fun and cheeky.  And apparently you want to be a butterfly when you grow up - obvs.

Here's to you at 3 years new,

Mama
xoxo

A Whole Hand.

Dear Addy,

More than a few weeks ago, you turned 5 years old...a whole hand.

Once again, I am a little late getting this letter to you and although life is busy and my to do list is long, I would never want to miss the chance to put down on paper exactly what it's like to be blessed by YOU at this exact time of your life.

Like I have said many, many times before, you are a wild one.  Your emotions swing dramatically and I sometimes have a hard time keeping up.  Your highs are high and your lows are low.  You feel everything dramatically and intensely and you are sometimes extremely hard to figure out.  You go from 0 to 100 quicker than anybody I have ever known and quite honestly, that can be very frustrating for me, especially when your emotion is driven by incredibly simple or trivial things.  Often times, in an attempt to get you to calm down, results in me getting upset with you (or sometimes yelling at you), and believe me when I say that I don't love admitting.  But, my sweet girl, I just don't know what else to do.  We are still learning, you and I and I promise to always keep trying.  There has to be a better way to help nurture your spirit...so if you have any ideas, I'm all ears :).

BUT - that all being said...you are such a bright light.  You are so sweet and caring and funny.  You love deeply.  You hug tighter and for longer and you tell me you love me throughout each and every day.  You are the first to run to the door when I come home or pick you up from somewhere and the first to tell me that you missed me.

You are insightful but you are also in your own head a lot.  I sometimes think you spend a lot of time visualizing and thinking about how situations will play out.  And then, when plans change or things don't go as you imagined, you sometimes have trouble adapting.  But we have seen huge growth in you, even over the past 3 months.  You are having an easier and easier time accepting and rolling with plans and even consequences.  We have seen you take deep breaths and talk through issues, rather than your usual eruption.  It is amazing to watch you mature and grow - let's keep that going!

A few months ago, I was thinking about increasing my workload and maybe working out of the house additional days in the fall.  This would have meant additional day care days for you, with the addition of Kindergarten every afternoon.  BUT, after careful thinking (and some great advice from your Grandma), I realized that I just couldn't do that to you.  Because, quite simply, you need me, and you need calmness and predictability.  Kindergarten will be plenty for you...and although I know without a doubt that you will excel while at school, I am not super confident that you could handle both kindergarten and daycare.  So, as difficult as it is for me sometimes to slow down, that is exactly what we are going to do.  We are going to spend more time at home and together next year than perhaps we ever have before.  And although the process of coming to that decision wasn't easy, as soon as I made it I questioned how I could have ever considered the alternative.  You and your siblings are my priority and there is nothing I want more than to give you the love and support that you need.  If that means putting my needs and wants on hold for the time being, then I am all for it.  You come first - and I never want you to question that.

I have been a Mom for almost 7 years now...and I can honestly say that at no point has it gotten easier.  I am continually faced with problems I have no idea how to solve.  What works with your brother almost never works with you and I am fairly certain the theme will continue with your sister as well.  But this, this I know - you have blessed me beyond measure.  By simply being you, as wild and unpredictable and difficult and dramatic as you can be, you make my life so much better than I ever dreamed it could be.  It is my absolute privilege to be your Mom.  This is a big year coming up for you - can't wait to watch you rock it.

Your 5th birthday video is so perfectly you.  Your smiles, your 'shyness', your emotion and tempered near the end frustration and, let's not forget your attire - just perfectly YOU.  There is no one quite like you and I wouldn't change you if I could.  You make me so proud.

Love you x5 to my missy,

Mama
xoxo

The Big 6.

Dear Colin,

A few weeks ago, you turned 6 years old.

Leading up to your 6th birthday and in the couple of weeks that have passed since, your Dad and I have both commented how all of a sudden you seem so BIG.  Gone is our baby, our little kid, you are straight up BIG KID now.  Your legs are long, your words are complex and your silliness is full on out.  But at the end of the day, you are everything and more that I could have ever hoped to have in a child, a son, a first born.

Let me explain...

Every year on your birthday I find myself reminiscing about our first year together.  In some ways it was a simpler time, as it was just the two of us (during the day at least), but somehow I found a way to make it extremely complicated. Because you see, no matter what, your first baby feels all encompassing and straight out hard.  Once that second baby comes along, you wonder how you could have ever thought one baby was hard but that doesn't change the fact that that first baby, that first baby is a whirlwind. You my friend, lived up to that whirlwind reputation from the minute you were born.  It didn't take very long for you to start expressing your opinions and an equally short amount of time for me to realize that your opinions were drastically different to mine.  So that's where we lived, for about 9 months.  You telling me one thing, and me trying to convince you of another.  We clashed, buddy - big time.  And for that reason, I don't think I truly enjoyed you as a baby.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVED you with everything I had, but the days seemed long and to a certain extent, I wished them away.

Somewhere around the one year mark, you and I finally figured it out.  And I am so happy to report that ever since then, you and I have been making up for that first year.  Because ever since we found our groove, you and I, we have never looked back.  You are the type of kid that I could be around all day every day.  You are fun and interesting and funny. You are SO unbelievably kind and caring.  You are a great friend and always try your best.

As I reflect on the 6 year old version of you that I am lucky enough to experience every single day, I think of the fact that you:

LOVE to learn.  Your mind is a sponge and your memory is scarily accurate.  You have discovered the love of reading, something both your Dad and I hoped you would have.  As your reading skills improved over the course of this past year, it was like a whole new world opened up to you.  Everything is now at your finger tips and it is so obvious that this is what you have been waiting for.  Because now there is no limit to what you can read about and learn about and to you, this is the ultimate.

LOVE sports and stats.  You love to play but you equally love to watch and love to keep track of what is going on in the game.  Hockey has become a huge love of yours and it shows by the way you play the game.  You usually aren't the best player on the ice but you try your best - and that in itself makes me so incredibly proud of you.  Not once last year did you complain or need convincing when it was time for hockey.  You were always ready and looking forward to the next opportunity to get out there.

LOVE Lego.  You have never been a super hero kid.  Haven't really gotten into Ninja turtles or Transformers.  But Lego, you love - you simply love to build.  You can spend hours by yourself creating and inventing Lego scenes.

You really are an amazing kid.  But let's be honest, just like every child who ever was, we have moments, you and I.  There are times where you frustrate me as I can't believe I am having to repeat myself...again.  Or where you are by far the oldest child, but still the one causing the problems.  Or the discussions we have to have about treating your sisters kindly...

The other day, after an issue with your sisters I heard you mutter under your breath "I wish I didn't have any sisters".  And so, we had to talk about that.  Because ultimately I knew that wasn't your heart talking.  But you know what, bucky, I get it.  I get that it's not easy to be the oldest.  I get that the expectations we have for you are usually much higher than those we have for your siblings.  I get that being the "example" is exhausting and frustrating at times.  I get that your sisters often monopolize my attention and time.  And for all of these reasons I am so incredibly grateful that your sisters have YOU as their older brother.  Because (for the most part) you are exactly what they need.  You are a great example, you are caring and compassionate to their needs and emotions and you look out for them whenever you can.  Just like your Dad and I are so blessed to have you, so are they.  I know that some days it doesn't seem like they know that but I promise you, one day they will.

My sweet, sweet child - I can hardly believe that we are already here.  Grade one has started and while walking to the bus the other morning you reached out and held my hand as we walked down the driveway.  As we turned the corner and you spotted some of the other kids who also catch the bus on the same corner you immediately pulled your hand away from mine.  As much as that moment hurt my heart, as I reflected on it during my walk back to the house I realized that it perfectly summed us up in this moment.  Because as much as you don't need me anymore, you still need me.  You still require hugs after school and kisses before bed.  You still look for comfort when you are hurt and make cards to tell me you love me.  I know that as time goes on, you will pull further and further away from me and your hand will leave mine sooner and sooner down the driveway until one day you don't even reach for it at all.  But, in the mean time, when I am lucky enough to still have it tight within mine, I will work on continually telling you how much I love you, how proud I am of you and how if I had every little boy in the world to pick from I would pick you, every time.  So that as your hand leaves mine for good, my voice inside your head and my heart within your heart will remain.  That no matter where you go or what you do, you will never question that to me, you are everything.

Love you to the moon and back x6.

Mama
xoxo


And here you are...all 6 years old of you.  Silly and silly and silly.


 

2.

Dear Aubrey,

More than a few weeks ago, you turned 2 whole years old.  As I continue to write these letters to you, your brother and your sister on your birthdays, it continues to get harder and harder to fully describe not only how much I love each of you, but what truly makes you all so special.  

But, here goes:

You, my sweet child, are simply the best 2-year-old.  If I could, I would pause you, right now, at this exact age and just enjoy you for as long as I possibly could.  You are kind and patient and loving and hilarious.  You repeat everything that you hear, but twist it slightly so that everything coming out of your mouth sounds adorable.  You sleep hard and well, you handle everything we throw at you with ease.  You are flexible and go with the flow of our everyday crazy life.  You have transitioned so well from a baby to a child, I hardly even noticed it happening until one day I woke up and you weren't anything resembling a baby anymore.

I am not sure what is different with you, but something is unlike anything I experienced with your older siblings.  I don't know if it is just that you are simply that easy, that calm, that sweet.  Or, maybe it's that I am more relaxed, that I know not to get worked up about most "issues" that Mom's face with toddlers throughout the day.  In reality, it is probably a mixture of the two but whatever the reason, you and I add up to a pretty ideal pair.  This coming year we will get 2 whole mornings a week together, just you and I while both your brother and sister are at school and I am not at work.  I am so looking forward to being able to focus solely on you, something that doesn't happen nearly enough around here with the attention sucking siblings you live with.  I have so many amazing memories of my Mom and I, while your aunt and uncle were at school, bee bopping around (usually at Kmart) and how special being alone with her made me feel.  I remember feeling like the time I had with her was our special secret time, and I can't wait to make those same traditions with you.

I don't think I do this as much with your siblings, but with you, I find myself wondering about what you will be like as your grow up.  Maybe it's because just like you, I am the third and final child of the family.  I also came after an older brother and an older sister, just like you.  Whatever the reason, and as crazy as this is to think about a two year old, I have an irking suspicion that you are going to be a lot like I was as a kid and teenager. In some ways, it excites me as I feel like that might mean yours and my relationship will be strong and ultimately, this is what I hope for all you kids.  But in others, it worries me as I know all too well about the strong opinions I held, the emotions I unleashed randomly and the limits I pushed.

As sweet as you are, you definitely still have your moments.  And oh my goodness, your moments are dramatic.  But like the easy peasy child you are, when you start to freak out, you usually walk yourself to your room and close the door, where you can proceed to utterly freak out for the next 5 or so minutes until you calm yourself down.  It is then that I walk to your room and open the door, usually to be met with a "sooorrreeeyyy, mommy".  And once again, you remind me just how special you are.

My sweet, sweet, littlest child - you made everything complete.  From the moment I met you I knew a grand adventure was about to begin, and you have spent the last two years proving me right.  You fit in immediately around here and continue to mould and flex to your surroundings, as crazy as it gets around here sometimes.  You get carted around, from one event to another, happily and excitedly.  You are simply ideal.  Happy day to you, my sweet child.  I could not love you more.

Here's to you at 2 years new.

Love,

Mama
xoxo



**Here is your 2nd birthday interview that we shot today.  It is perfectly you.

4.

Dear Addy,

A few weeks ago, you turned 4 years old.  In the days leading up to your birthday I realized that I was having a hard time believing that you were actually going to be 4 - maybe that is why it took me so long to write this letter.  I don't have a hard time believing that you brother will soon be 6, or your sister will soon be 2, but you, my sweet girl, and your 4th birthday snuck up on me.

You are, and I am pretty sure will always be, my wild card.  You are still hard to predict and have a personality that keeps us guessing.  As much as I could sit here and write page after page on your sweetness and kindness, I could easily match it with your sass and fly-off-the-handle emotions.  You are a mixed bag, but it’s what makes you tick and what makes you, you. 

This past year, like each that came before it, you transformed.  You are such a girl now and have absolutely and completely left anything “toddler” in your dust.  You keep up with anyone and everyone, talking circles around them as you attempt to not only dominate the activity, but also the conversation.  You are tall, and for that reason, often get mistaken for substantially older than you are. Over the course of this past year, and probably for the next while as well, I had to remind myself that you were/are still little.  You cannot be expected to keep up with your older brother 100% of the time and always keep it together, like he has pretty well figured out how to do.  You were just three, and now you are JUST four, and in my books, that gets you a freak out or two at your discretion.

This past year I read a book that contained the line “…she isn’t just a challenging part of my day, she is her own person, with her own days.  Some of those days are harder than others, like mine.  I’m noticing her more.”  This message has been tattooed on my brain since the day I read it.  It simply spoke to me and to the relationship that you and I share.  Because you see, my sweet girl, we can sometimes struggle, you and I.  And it helps me to remember that just like I have off days, so do you.  And quite honestly, you probably do a better job of rallying on those rough days than I do. 

Addy, my middle one, my spitfire and my light – you are going to do amazing things.  People flock to you, strangers fall in love with you, people listen when you talk.  Now, some may say that that is all because you don’t give people any other choice, but regardless, you are going to thrive.  As your Grandpa would say, the world needs more assertive young women and you fit that to a tee.  You are strong, thoughtful, kind and generous.  You are also emotional, dramatic, loud and exhausting.  But it’s the balance that works and I wouldn’t change you if I could.  But where my job comes in is not in changing you, but in molding you.  You have so many amazing traits already and I know that with time will come the growth that will make you into the game changer I know you can be and want to be.  Because nobody is made with a spirit like yours to sit on the side line. 

So to you, at 4 – You are happiness in all of its definitions, in all of its forms. And because you won’t stay this little forever and instead will run head first into the burning building of what it means to grow up, I’ll just look forward to the bumpy ride. Just promise to take me with you.

Love to you, my girl, my light, my joy.  Happiest x4 and for forever.

Love,

Mama

xoxo