A Whole Hand.

Dear Addy,

More than a few weeks ago, you turned 5 years old...a whole hand.

Once again, I am a little late getting this letter to you and although life is busy and my to do list is long, I would never want to miss the chance to put down on paper exactly what it's like to be blessed by YOU at this exact time of your life.

Like I have said many, many times before, you are a wild one.  Your emotions swing dramatically and I sometimes have a hard time keeping up.  Your highs are high and your lows are low.  You feel everything dramatically and intensely and you are sometimes extremely hard to figure out.  You go from 0 to 100 quicker than anybody I have ever known and quite honestly, that can be very frustrating for me, especially when your emotion is driven by incredibly simple or trivial things.  Often times, in an attempt to get you to calm down, results in me getting upset with you (or sometimes yelling at you), and believe me when I say that I don't love admitting.  But, my sweet girl, I just don't know what else to do.  We are still learning, you and I and I promise to always keep trying.  There has to be a better way to help nurture your spirit...so if you have any ideas, I'm all ears :).

BUT - that all being said...you are such a bright light.  You are so sweet and caring and funny.  You love deeply.  You hug tighter and for longer and you tell me you love me throughout each and every day.  You are the first to run to the door when I come home or pick you up from somewhere and the first to tell me that you missed me.

You are insightful but you are also in your own head a lot.  I sometimes think you spend a lot of time visualizing and thinking about how situations will play out.  And then, when plans change or things don't go as you imagined, you sometimes have trouble adapting.  But we have seen huge growth in you, even over the past 3 months.  You are having an easier and easier time accepting and rolling with plans and even consequences.  We have seen you take deep breaths and talk through issues, rather than your usual eruption.  It is amazing to watch you mature and grow - let's keep that going!

A few months ago, I was thinking about increasing my workload and maybe working out of the house additional days in the fall.  This would have meant additional day care days for you, with the addition of Kindergarten every afternoon.  BUT, after careful thinking (and some great advice from your Grandma), I realized that I just couldn't do that to you.  Because, quite simply, you need me, and you need calmness and predictability.  Kindergarten will be plenty for you...and although I know without a doubt that you will excel while at school, I am not super confident that you could handle both kindergarten and daycare.  So, as difficult as it is for me sometimes to slow down, that is exactly what we are going to do.  We are going to spend more time at home and together next year than perhaps we ever have before.  And although the process of coming to that decision wasn't easy, as soon as I made it I questioned how I could have ever considered the alternative.  You and your siblings are my priority and there is nothing I want more than to give you the love and support that you need.  If that means putting my needs and wants on hold for the time being, then I am all for it.  You come first - and I never want you to question that.

I have been a Mom for almost 7 years now...and I can honestly say that at no point has it gotten easier.  I am continually faced with problems I have no idea how to solve.  What works with your brother almost never works with you and I am fairly certain the theme will continue with your sister as well.  But this, this I know - you have blessed me beyond measure.  By simply being you, as wild and unpredictable and difficult and dramatic as you can be, you make my life so much better than I ever dreamed it could be.  It is my absolute privilege to be your Mom.  This is a big year coming up for you - can't wait to watch you rock it.

Your 5th birthday video is so perfectly you.  Your smiles, your 'shyness', your emotion and tempered near the end frustration and, let's not forget your attire - just perfectly YOU.  There is no one quite like you and I wouldn't change you if I could.  You make me so proud.

Love you x5 to my missy,

Mama
xoxo

The Big 6.

Dear Colin,

A few weeks ago, you turned 6 years old.

Leading up to your 6th birthday and in the couple of weeks that have passed since, your Dad and I have both commented how all of a sudden you seem so BIG.  Gone is our baby, our little kid, you are straight up BIG KID now.  Your legs are long, your words are complex and your silliness is full on out.  But at the end of the day, you are everything and more that I could have ever hoped to have in a child, a son, a first born.

Let me explain...

Every year on your birthday I find myself reminiscing about our first year together.  In some ways it was a simpler time, as it was just the two of us (during the day at least), but somehow I found a way to make it extremely complicated. Because you see, no matter what, your first baby feels all encompassing and straight out hard.  Once that second baby comes along, you wonder how you could have ever thought one baby was hard but that doesn't change the fact that that first baby, that first baby is a whirlwind. You my friend, lived up to that whirlwind reputation from the minute you were born.  It didn't take very long for you to start expressing your opinions and an equally short amount of time for me to realize that your opinions were drastically different to mine.  So that's where we lived, for about 9 months.  You telling me one thing, and me trying to convince you of another.  We clashed, buddy - big time.  And for that reason, I don't think I truly enjoyed you as a baby.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVED you with everything I had, but the days seemed long and to a certain extent, I wished them away.

Somewhere around the one year mark, you and I finally figured it out.  And I am so happy to report that ever since then, you and I have been making up for that first year.  Because ever since we found our groove, you and I, we have never looked back.  You are the type of kid that I could be around all day every day.  You are fun and interesting and funny. You are SO unbelievably kind and caring.  You are a great friend and always try your best.

As I reflect on the 6 year old version of you that I am lucky enough to experience every single day, I think of the fact that you:

LOVE to learn.  Your mind is a sponge and your memory is scarily accurate.  You have discovered the love of reading, something both your Dad and I hoped you would have.  As your reading skills improved over the course of this past year, it was like a whole new world opened up to you.  Everything is now at your finger tips and it is so obvious that this is what you have been waiting for.  Because now there is no limit to what you can read about and learn about and to you, this is the ultimate.

LOVE sports and stats.  You love to play but you equally love to watch and love to keep track of what is going on in the game.  Hockey has become a huge love of yours and it shows by the way you play the game.  You usually aren't the best player on the ice but you try your best - and that in itself makes me so incredibly proud of you.  Not once last year did you complain or need convincing when it was time for hockey.  You were always ready and looking forward to the next opportunity to get out there.

LOVE Lego.  You have never been a super hero kid.  Haven't really gotten into Ninja turtles or Transformers.  But Lego, you love - you simply love to build.  You can spend hours by yourself creating and inventing Lego scenes.

You really are an amazing kid.  But let's be honest, just like every child who ever was, we have moments, you and I.  There are times where you frustrate me as I can't believe I am having to repeat myself...again.  Or where you are by far the oldest child, but still the one causing the problems.  Or the discussions we have to have about treating your sisters kindly...

The other day, after an issue with your sisters I heard you mutter under your breath "I wish I didn't have any sisters".  And so, we had to talk about that.  Because ultimately I knew that wasn't your heart talking.  But you know what, bucky, I get it.  I get that it's not easy to be the oldest.  I get that the expectations we have for you are usually much higher than those we have for your siblings.  I get that being the "example" is exhausting and frustrating at times.  I get that your sisters often monopolize my attention and time.  And for all of these reasons I am so incredibly grateful that your sisters have YOU as their older brother.  Because (for the most part) you are exactly what they need.  You are a great example, you are caring and compassionate to their needs and emotions and you look out for them whenever you can.  Just like your Dad and I are so blessed to have you, so are they.  I know that some days it doesn't seem like they know that but I promise you, one day they will.

My sweet, sweet child - I can hardly believe that we are already here.  Grade one has started and while walking to the bus the other morning you reached out and held my hand as we walked down the driveway.  As we turned the corner and you spotted some of the other kids who also catch the bus on the same corner you immediately pulled your hand away from mine.  As much as that moment hurt my heart, as I reflected on it during my walk back to the house I realized that it perfectly summed us up in this moment.  Because as much as you don't need me anymore, you still need me.  You still require hugs after school and kisses before bed.  You still look for comfort when you are hurt and make cards to tell me you love me.  I know that as time goes on, you will pull further and further away from me and your hand will leave mine sooner and sooner down the driveway until one day you don't even reach for it at all.  But, in the mean time, when I am lucky enough to still have it tight within mine, I will work on continually telling you how much I love you, how proud I am of you and how if I had every little boy in the world to pick from I would pick you, every time.  So that as your hand leaves mine for good, my voice inside your head and my heart within your heart will remain.  That no matter where you go or what you do, you will never question that to me, you are everything.

Love you to the moon and back x6.

Mama
xoxo


And here you are...all 6 years old of you.  Silly and silly and silly.


 

2.

Dear Aubrey,

More than a few weeks ago, you turned 2 whole years old.  As I continue to write these letters to you, your brother and your sister on your birthdays, it continues to get harder and harder to fully describe not only how much I love each of you, but what truly makes you all so special.  

But, here goes:

You, my sweet child, are simply the best 2-year-old.  If I could, I would pause you, right now, at this exact age and just enjoy you for as long as I possibly could.  You are kind and patient and loving and hilarious.  You repeat everything that you hear, but twist it slightly so that everything coming out of your mouth sounds adorable.  You sleep hard and well, you handle everything we throw at you with ease.  You are flexible and go with the flow of our everyday crazy life.  You have transitioned so well from a baby to a child, I hardly even noticed it happening until one day I woke up and you weren't anything resembling a baby anymore.

I am not sure what is different with you, but something is unlike anything I experienced with your older siblings.  I don't know if it is just that you are simply that easy, that calm, that sweet.  Or, maybe it's that I am more relaxed, that I know not to get worked up about most "issues" that Mom's face with toddlers throughout the day.  In reality, it is probably a mixture of the two but whatever the reason, you and I add up to a pretty ideal pair.  This coming year we will get 2 whole mornings a week together, just you and I while both your brother and sister are at school and I am not at work.  I am so looking forward to being able to focus solely on you, something that doesn't happen nearly enough around here with the attention sucking siblings you live with.  I have so many amazing memories of my Mom and I, while your aunt and uncle were at school, bee bopping around (usually at Kmart) and how special being alone with her made me feel.  I remember feeling like the time I had with her was our special secret time, and I can't wait to make those same traditions with you.

I don't think I do this as much with your siblings, but with you, I find myself wondering about what you will be like as your grow up.  Maybe it's because just like you, I am the third and final child of the family.  I also came after an older brother and an older sister, just like you.  Whatever the reason, and as crazy as this is to think about a two year old, I have an irking suspicion that you are going to be a lot like I was as a kid and teenager. In some ways, it excites me as I feel like that might mean yours and my relationship will be strong and ultimately, this is what I hope for all you kids.  But in others, it worries me as I know all too well about the strong opinions I held, the emotions I unleashed randomly and the limits I pushed.

As sweet as you are, you definitely still have your moments.  And oh my goodness, your moments are dramatic.  But like the easy peasy child you are, when you start to freak out, you usually walk yourself to your room and close the door, where you can proceed to utterly freak out for the next 5 or so minutes until you calm yourself down.  It is then that I walk to your room and open the door, usually to be met with a "sooorrreeeyyy, mommy".  And once again, you remind me just how special you are.

My sweet, sweet, littlest child - you made everything complete.  From the moment I met you I knew a grand adventure was about to begin, and you have spent the last two years proving me right.  You fit in immediately around here and continue to mould and flex to your surroundings, as crazy as it gets around here sometimes.  You get carted around, from one event to another, happily and excitedly.  You are simply ideal.  Happy day to you, my sweet child.  I could not love you more.

Here's to you at 2 years new.

Love,

Mama
xoxo



**Here is your 2nd birthday interview that we shot today.  It is perfectly you.

4.

Dear Addy,

A few weeks ago, you turned 4 years old.  In the days leading up to your birthday I realized that I was having a hard time believing that you were actually going to be 4 - maybe that is why it took me so long to write this letter.  I don't have a hard time believing that you brother will soon be 6, or your sister will soon be 2, but you, my sweet girl, and your 4th birthday snuck up on me.

You are, and I am pretty sure will always be, my wild card.  You are still hard to predict and have a personality that keeps us guessing.  As much as I could sit here and write page after page on your sweetness and kindness, I could easily match it with your sass and fly-off-the-handle emotions.  You are a mixed bag, but it’s what makes you tick and what makes you, you. 

This past year, like each that came before it, you transformed.  You are such a girl now and have absolutely and completely left anything “toddler” in your dust.  You keep up with anyone and everyone, talking circles around them as you attempt to not only dominate the activity, but also the conversation.  You are tall, and for that reason, often get mistaken for substantially older than you are. Over the course of this past year, and probably for the next while as well, I had to remind myself that you were/are still little.  You cannot be expected to keep up with your older brother 100% of the time and always keep it together, like he has pretty well figured out how to do.  You were just three, and now you are JUST four, and in my books, that gets you a freak out or two at your discretion.

This past year I read a book that contained the line “…she isn’t just a challenging part of my day, she is her own person, with her own days.  Some of those days are harder than others, like mine.  I’m noticing her more.”  This message has been tattooed on my brain since the day I read it.  It simply spoke to me and to the relationship that you and I share.  Because you see, my sweet girl, we can sometimes struggle, you and I.  And it helps me to remember that just like I have off days, so do you.  And quite honestly, you probably do a better job of rallying on those rough days than I do. 

Addy, my middle one, my spitfire and my light – you are going to do amazing things.  People flock to you, strangers fall in love with you, people listen when you talk.  Now, some may say that that is all because you don’t give people any other choice, but regardless, you are going to thrive.  As your Grandpa would say, the world needs more assertive young women and you fit that to a tee.  You are strong, thoughtful, kind and generous.  You are also emotional, dramatic, loud and exhausting.  But it’s the balance that works and I wouldn’t change you if I could.  But where my job comes in is not in changing you, but in molding you.  You have so many amazing traits already and I know that with time will come the growth that will make you into the game changer I know you can be and want to be.  Because nobody is made with a spirit like yours to sit on the side line. 

So to you, at 4 – You are happiness in all of its definitions, in all of its forms. And because you won’t stay this little forever and instead will run head first into the burning building of what it means to grow up, I’ll just look forward to the bumpy ride. Just promise to take me with you.

Love to you, my girl, my light, my joy.  Happiest x4 and for forever.

Love,

Mama

xoxo



 

5.

Dear Colin,

A couple of weeks ago, you turned 5 years old.  It's hard to believe that it has been five whole years since you came (so quickly!) into the world.  Although I don't remember all the details of the last five years, I know that you have filled them with some of my best and favourite memories of all my 32 years here.

This past year was a gooder.  You have truly transformed into a wonderful child, a super fun boy and a just a great all around kid.  This year will be the year that goes down in the timeline of your life as the year you started school, the year you jumped off a 10 foot cliff into the lake, the year you started telling jokes (only some make sense), the year you rode a two wheeler, the year you fell in love with hockey, the year you really became you.

You don't really surprise me very often anymore.  I feel like I pretty much have you down pat.  You are naturally predictable.  You love routine and order and are happiest when everyone just follows the rules.  You are also sensitive and struggle being kind to your sister from time to time (but we're working on that).  You love to learn - about anything and everything anybody will teach you.  You are fascinated by how things work and have a naturally inquisitive mind.  You have very quickly figured out that many of your questions are better asked to your Dad as this is not a trait that you and I share but you and your Dad ,you are made for each other.

Somewhere along the way this past year you learned that it's ok to take a risk or two in life and step outside your own comfort zone.  This did not always come easily to you.  You needed a LOT of prep before any changes or new things and even then did not always deal with them very well.  This past year though, something shifted.  All of a sudden you realized that you can have a lot more fun if you just let it ride.  And boy did you ever.  There were multiple times this past year where you Dad and I looked at each other in disbelief over what we just experienced.  Case in point was this summer at Tulabi Falls.  One night we watched some teenagers jumping off the same cliff that I used to with my friends each and every summer.  You surely and confidentially announced that when we came back the next day, you were jumping.  I said ok, but I can't really say that I believed you.  But sure enough, the next day when we came back to swim at the beach you repeated your statement.  At this point, I thought you might be serious but again felt like when we got up there your tune would change.  So you and I marched up the hill and found ourselves at the top of the smallest cliff.  You were not hesitating for a second.  At this moment all the "could happens" started running through my brain and I started to hesitate as to whether or not this was a good idea.  But we had come too far - I couldn't back down now.  So, together, hand in hand, we walked to the edge, counted to three and jumped.  Not once did you stutter.  I still can't really believe that you did it.  So easily and so calmly without any convincing.  Let's all keep in mind that you were the three year old crying in the pool at swimming lessons any time you had to float on your back (among other reasons) and on this day, you jumped off a freaking cliff.  Your Dad and I were so proud of you for how brave and willing you were but also because it meant you were just growing up.  Because Buck, all this work we are doing as parents, all the sweat and tears is all for you.  There is nothing we want more than to see you grow, to mature and to become the game changing boy and man we know is inside of you.  It's our job to bring him out and when you jumped off that cliff I felt like we got just a touch closer.  Summer of Colin it was, and I am so grateful that I got to watch from the front row.

This past year, and I'm not proud to admit this, I found myself from time to time trying to sway you in other directions, trying to suggest different things to you, in a way, trying to change you.  You see my sweet boy, I doubt you will ever have any major academic struggles when it comes to you and school.  You love to learn.  You are calm and determined and smart.  The other side of school though, the social and friends side, scares the crap out of me.  There is nothing I want more than for that part of life for you to come easily.  I think for awhile I convinced myself that my suggestions would make it easier for you to make friends.  Maybe if you liked what all the other boys liked, if you played what all the other boys played with, if you watched what all the other boys watch your friendships would come smoothly and easily.  What I learned however was this: first of all, you needed no help making friends.  Even if what you liked, played with, talked about or watched was not the same as some of the other boys, that didn't matter.  They loved you and you loved them.  It took you no time to find your groove, you got right in there with the kids in your class and bonded.  Secondly though, and much more important, I realized that instead of trying to change you, I should be trying to be more like you. You, my sweet boy like everyone you meet.  You give everyone an equal shot.  You do not judge, discriminate or hold grudges.  You apologize instantly when you have wronged and forgive when others have wronged you.  You are what a true friend is made up of and I should be fostering that in you instead of worrying if we are up to date up on the latest trend.  Now don't get me wrong, I still hope and pray that you make amazing friends easily and that you find a few that you'll go the distance.  I have been so blessed to have found multiple life long friends and I can tell you from experience that they make all the difference in my life.  They are what makes life a bit easier when things get tough and a even more amazing when things are great.  But that being said, I definitely don't worry as much any more.  You are a sweet, wonderful, caring, compassionate, fun boy and that is too good a combination to go unnoticed.

You have no idea how proud you make me.  Just walking beside you makes me beam.  You are my kid and I wear that like a badge of honour.  You are going to do amazing things.  I never knew if I was going to get the chance to be a Mom.  It was something that I wanted, but more than that, that my heart needed.  You were the first one to give me that gift, to fill my heart up beyond measure, to change me so deeply and fundamentally for the better.  You broke me in as a Mom and continue to pave the way for your sisters so smoothly and so straighly.

This video/interview of you is a mess but I will treasure it always.  It is a snapshot in time of YOU and that means it's perfect. Someday long from now, I pray that I have the chance to watch these videos of you on your birthday and that they will transport me back in time to today.  And I will remember and all the hugs, all the "i love you's", all the Paw Patrol, all the "7-zero-zero" wakeups, all the "keep your hands to yourself" reminders, all the firsts and all the amazingness.

Bucky, happy happy happy happy happy to you.  You are my forever and my always.  My first and my bestest boy.

Love you to the moon and back x5,

Mama
xoxo

One.

Dear Aubrey,

I am more than a little late on this, but a few weeks ago you turned one year old. It's summer around here and we have been enjoying time as a family, getting house projects checked off the list, and trips to the lake.  But right now, I want to make sure I take some time to document you - today, at one.

Once again, blah, blah, blah, you are such an amazing baby.  I really feel like I have said this SO many times since you were born that it has lost a bit of its real meaning.  You continue to amaze me as on pretty much a daily basis you allow the craziness that is this household to go on around you and with you and you just role with it.  Our schedule is sometimes a little nuts and you come along and put up with it.  When your brother was your age I very rarely had him miss a nap.  This was partially due to the fact that I only had one child and really didn't have many reasons to have you miss it, but also because I just wasn't prepared to do it.  With you, we simply don't have that luxury.  Life did not stop when you were born, but rather seemed to kick into high gear.  As a result your schedule has had to be fluid and you have managed it with grace and ease.

At this point in your brother and sisters lives I pretty much had them pegged.  Although their personalities have moulded over the years, at one I knew what I was getting.  You, my littlest one, are still very much a question mark.  There are obviously things I know, but how they all play together to create YOU in the long run, is still a bit of a mystery.   So far I can say for sure that you are patient and you are easy going.  You also have a lot to say and I am so looking forward to your sounds to form words so I can finally understand your long winded stories.

But come on, you can't be all perfect, can you?  No ma'am, you can't and you aren't.  You have your moments and your tantrums, but they are few and far between.  What sets you off you ask?  Let me tell you as it won't take long.  A-D-D-Y.  You and your sister have a very interesting relationship.  She really does love you and desperately wants you around her all day long.  She is the first person to run to you when you come out of your room in the morning and the last person in your room before bed at night.  So yes, she loves you, but she also has trouble respecting your, umm, personal space.  She is way too close to you ALL THE TIME.  And you do not like it.  I don't blame you, but you really need to relax a bit.  At the end of the day she just wants to be with you and you just want to anywhere else.  In the past few weeks you have started to crawl (although I use that term loosely as it is really more of a heave/drag technique) and things have mellowed a bit - basically now that you can escape her.  Obviously she follows you around for awhile but inevitably the three year old in her gets bored/distracted/sees-an-opportunity-to-annoy-her-brother-instead and you are set free.  How your relationship with your sister progresses and changes over time will be so interesting for me to watch.  I know how my own relationship with my sister ebbed and flowed over our teenage and early adulthood years, however ultimately ended up and continues to be one of the most important and significant relationships of my adulthood.  I don't know where I would be without her and I rely on her support and advice so much.  Whatever happens between you and your sister along the way, as I think I would be kidding myself to think there would be no friction at times (I mean, come on, we're talking about Addy here :)) I hope that you two remain in each others lives.  It's really a gift to have a sister and I hope you two stick it out together.

Whether or not to have one more child really was one of the easiest decisions of my life.  Obviously it was for your Dad too as it was never something I had to convince him of either.  The fact that we got you out of the deal is almost too good to be true.  I love the three of you equally, but there is something special about you.  I think it is because I am so aware of how quickly kids grow up and for that reason I really soak you in on a daily basis.  I make a point of sitting with you while you drink your milk when at all possible.  And when you're done I turn you around and sit you on my lap and we chat and play until I can hear my services being needed elsewhere (ie. breaking up a fight between your siblings).  And because I know how quickly time goes I am not trying to rush it.  Instead, I just enjoy you, for the day it is, at the stage you are at.  And, my littlest one, the stage you are at is worth enjoying.  You love so sweetly and so calmly that it makes me fall more and more in love with you each and every day. Going into this past year, I really didn't know what to expect and wondered if I would make it out alive.  Not only am I still breathing, my heart is more full than I ever imagined it could be.  The three of you make what your Dad and I do on a daily basis more joyful, more rewarding, more than we ever thought we would ever be blessed with.  The addition of you to the life I call our Clarence Road Project has completed our family foundation.  Where we go and how we grow together is what's next and I could not feel luckier to be part of the crew.  You, my littlest one were the final piece and you have spent the last year proving why we needed you and why we fell in love with you from the moment we saw you.  You are my last and my littlest and I will hold that in my heart from now to eternity.  You have been so kind and so understanding of me, over this past year - I owe so much of my sanity to you.  In return, I can always promise - you will always be my baby and you will always be loved.  No matter what this next year throws at us, or the next 40 after that - those are my guarantees.  You make it so easy to love you, to want to be around you.  I will soak that in for every minute that it is my reality.  You are going to do magical things - I am sure of it.  Important things and meaningful things with your life.  Thank you for being you and for being my baby.  Thank you for making me a better mama, for making me slow down and enjoy and for teaching me how to work through the balancing act that is three kids.  Going into year two, I promise to keep looking for moments the two of us can share, away from the madness.  Where we can talk, re group and connect - just us.   It's time that I cherish and as long as you'll let me, I plan on sneaking it in whenever I can.

Here's to you at one year new.

Love,

Mama
xoxo

Month 11.

Dear Aubrey,

A few days ago, you turned 11 months old.  As your 1st birthday approaches, ever so near, I can hardly believe that before we know it we will be celebrating that milestone.  In some ways, I feel like we just met, but in others I can hardly remember you as a baby.  The past 11 months have at times flown by, however at times they have also dragged.  Having three little kids has proven wonderfully hard - just as having one and two children both were.  Let's be clear, you were meant to be part of this family.  In some ways, I always knew I would meet you one day, always knew that this household needed you, always knew that my heart longed for you, always knew that you were mine.  With all of that squared away, let's also be clear that your entry and your permanence has at times been difficult.  And this month, it seemed to be magnified...

I feel like you woke up a little this month.  All of a sudden you had opinions and you found your spunk.  To be fair, you were a bit sick this month so that may have attributed to your general moodiness however I don't think it was entirely a coincidence.  You have started to voice your needs and desires a little more loudly these days, as well as any displeasure.  This displeasure is most often directed at your sister (and for the most part I can't blame you) however I still haven't quite gotten used to it coming from you.  For the better part of 10 months, you were simply a pawn around here.  Able to go anywhere, flexible and a general team player but sometime this month things shifted.  I do attribute some of your frustration to the fact that you are still immobile.  You can slide/push yourself forward if you are motivated by raisins, however if that raisin is even a centimeter further than you feel you can move, you have zero desire to even try.  I can't decide if you do not possess the skills to move forward or if you are simply lazy.  In all honesty, it's probably a combination of both.  Third babies have many helpers, many small people who continually get things for them and many adults who dote on them and pick them up whenever they need.  At this point, 11 months in, I am somewhat ready for you to start exploring.  I almost cringe writing that, knowing what chaos a crawling baby can create, however your immobility is getting a little old.  You officially have my permission to start moving.  Now go!

It wasn't until this month that I really realized that I have 3 kids.  Obviously I always knew that the 3 of you existed and that I in fact birthed you all, but it wasn't until this past month that I truly realized what that meant.  It has dawned on me that not only do I have three kids, but that I also have 3 opinions, 3 personalities, 3 unique spirits to manage now.  At this point, basically at ground zero, that task seems a little daunting.  I want nothing more than to be what you need as a Mom, but just as much as I want that for you, I want that for your brother and sister as well.  And this is where it gets tricky, for what you need may not be what they need, and then how does that work?  How can I equally yet effectively manage, support and guide each of you?  At this point I have more questions than answers and if there was a perfect-parenting-3-children-guide I would have ordered it months ago.  But right along with all those questions lie just as many promises.  No matter how hard things get, how crazy you three make me, how busy our lives get, how pulled in a million directions we find ourselves, I promise that I will never stop trying to be everything that you need.  Let's just be clear here: everything you need may not always be everything that you want, but my sweet girl, I promise you that someday you will understand, just like I do when looking back on my own childhood.  I promise that every decision will be rooted in the very deepest of love, and even when I make the wrong decision or say the wrong thing, know that I am trying my very best.  That is the best I can promise you - I will always do what you need, I will always love you, I will always do my best.  You deserve nothing less, in fact, you deserve more than I could ever give you, but for now, let's just both bring our A games and I'm sure we will end up just fine.

Here's to you at 11 months new.

Love, 

Mama

xoxo