Over the past week or so, I have been going back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to write this post. I am normally the person that seems to have it all together...always organized, proactively getting things done, and for the most part, positive and happy. That being said, the past 12 days have been a real struggle for me and I am sure, that I am not alone when compared to other Mom's first days of going from 1 to 2. In the end, I decided I wanted to share what has been going on, as I would feel wrong blogging about anything else at this time.
As soon as Addy was born, I obviously loved her unconditionally. We wanted her, she was conceived "on purpose", and even more, we wanted a girl. We got everything we wanted and we have so much to be thankful for. Obviously, the entire birthing process, and even weeks leading up to her birth were exhausting, however the night we first held her in our arms, I felt energetic and ready. The next day, was when things began to change.
After a long night of nursing and generally being unsettled, it was time for visitors, one of the most important ones being Colin. Addy and Colin's first meeting was actually quite uneventful, as Colin did not pay much attention to her except for the few pictures we forced him to take :). It was then though, that I started to struggle with things. It is somewhat hard to explain, but I will do my best.
I looked at Colin and saw ease. Colin is an easy kid. He sleeps for 12 hours at night and 2 hours in the afternoon. He entertains himself very well and is almost always happy. He has good manners and makes me laugh constantly. He isn't a great eater but we are getting better every day. Bottom line is he gives back to me. All the effort I have put in with him over the last 20 months are now so obviously worth it and it has never been more apparent. I realize that Colin was a very difficult newborn, however as they always do, those memories seem to have faded from my mind and when welcoming Addy into our family, I simply forgot how difficult things once we were with Colin.
I then looked at Addy and I saw exhaustion. Newborns are tough and they are exhausting. They are moody and gassy and they rarely give you back anything except for the occasional long nap.
And that is when I started to question everything. I started to wonder why we ever thought having a second child was a good idea. I felt overwhelmed and frankly, a little depressed. We were starting all over again and suddenly all those memories I had forgotten about what it was like to have a newborn came flooding back. I remembered how difficult breastfeeding is, and how it literally chains you to your child 24 hours a day. It also forces me to sit down and do nothing for about 8 hours a day...something that I struggled with with Colin and was currently struggling with all over again with Addy. I remembered how difficult sleepless nights are, however now, because I still have Colin at home, cannot nap during the day like I did when it was just him and I.
These feeling built up inside of me for the first 3 days of having Addy until they finally exploded into one big teary mess, something Jason had the job of dealing with. I cried and cried and cried. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless and above all, exhausted. After the episode, I did feel a little better, but again, the next day, found myself in tears once again. It was then that I had to have a serious talk with myself and knock some sense into what I was feeling.
After much reflection and prayer, I can pretty much sum up my emotions to this - I forgot just how hard it is to have a newborn. And now, we had added a newborn to our 20 month old, and for that fact, it was only going to be harder. I also went from working 3 days a week, to home every day all day in the matter of less than a week, an adjustment that took a toll on me as getting out of the house and having adult conversation is something I need. I had gotten so comfortable with the routine that I had with Colin, that I was not at all prepared to have it shaken up so much. When it was just Colin and I, it was easy, I was always well rested and above all, he made everything fun. Fun and newborns are not words that so much go together.
So, for the past week or so, I have been constantly reminding myself that things ARE hard and they are going to be hard for the next little while. BUT, then they will get better. It's funny because I even wrote in a blog a few weeks ago about how with your first you think that things will never get better and 7 or 8 weeks in everything is fine again and you realize how quickly the time went. I guess the piece that I forgot to remind myself, is that even knowing that stages pass in the blink of an eye does not change the fact that TODAY, IT IS HARD. Tomorrow is probably going to be hard too, and most likely, so are the next 4-6 weeks. Once I allowed myself to admit that, I instantly felt much better. I definitely still have my moments, but they do not culminate into teary, blubbering messes. I do not feel like I need medication or professional help, although I would be lying if I said I didn't wonder for a moment or so if I did.
Today, we are doing well. Addy is sleeping great during the day (nights are a different story but I know those will come soon too), and Colin had adjusted super easily. We are somewhat getting into a new routine and have been able to get out of the house without the world crashing down on us. I do feel like I have made it through the fog that I was in and feel positive and optimistic about the fact that our family has gone from 3 to 4. I am in love with our children and I feel ridiculously unworthy to have been blessed with experiencing their lives along side them. We are beyond lucky and beyond thrilled. Addy and I are getting to know each other a little more each day and are slowly giving into the idea of each other. Bottom line is that there is much, much love going on over here. I am so glad that I am feeling better and opening my eyes to the joys. The fog is lifted, the kids are happy, life is good.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Addy's Story
I feel like this post has been a long time coming, however in actuality, it has only been 8 days since we brought Addy home. Over the past week, we have introduced her to many family members and friends who have all loved on her like she deserves.
Addy's story started on Wednesday night of the 16th of May. By that evening, I had been having irregular false labour for the past 4 days. The day prior, while at the doctor, I was told that I was already 5cm dilated and therefore the doctor performed a procedure called a membrane sweep (a natural labour inducer) to see if we could get things really moving. By that point, I was officially sick of being pregnant, but even more so of the guessing game of whether or not the contractions I was feeling were real or not. I decided it was time to take measures in my own hands and see if I could convince our baby that it was time to deliver. There was only one way I knew how to do this...and that was to have a bossy talk with it, make tacos, and have company for dinner. That was the situation the night in which labour with Colin started. And true to its promise, it worked again. Mid way through the meal, I felt the first of what were actual regular, somewhat strong, increasing contractions. It was time to go.
After some arranging for Colin, Jason and I made our way to St. Boniface and checked in at triage. I was told that I was 6cm dilated at that point and that I needed to walk as much as I could to get the contractions to pick up in strength and to hopefully break my water. So that is what I did - I walked. I walked for about half an hour while Jason timed my laps and contractions and offered me water as I passed him by each and every time. My contractions started to pick up, but my water stayed in tact. Because it was a slow night and because it was clear that the baby would be coming sometime in the near future, we were then admitted to a room. I was thrilled to see that we would be given a private room yet again. For anyone that will be having a baby at St B anytime soon...when they ask if your insurance covers private rooms, you say yes...even if it doesn't. Yes, you will have a $80 bill at the end of your stay, but I promise it is worth every penny.
Once we were admitted into our room, I continued to walk, but mostly because I didn't know what else to do. About half an hour later, the doctor on call (who was actually the same doctor who delivered Colin) came to check me and told me that I hadn't progressed...I was still 6cm. I compleltely realize that for most people who have babies, not progressing in 2 hours of labour is par for the course. Because when I delievered Colin I had progressed each and every time they checked me, I found the news that I hadn't this time tough to swallow. I always assumed, and was told that it was extremly likely that not only would I deliever quickly again, but in fact it was more likely that I would be even quicker. Hearing the news that things were stalled made me just a touch discouraged and definitely made me wonder what this baby had us in for. The good news from the doctor was that my water was about to burst, and therefore he broke it for me to really get things going.
Over the course of the next hour, I felt extremely intense contractions every minute and a half to two minutes. The hour was probably the toughest hour of my life. Again, I realize that some women labour like that for hours on end and to them, I fully applaud. At one point, I even asked about an epidural, something I swore I would never do, however decided against it once I heard how long it would take to fully receive relief from the drugs. I still had faith that all would be over before the drugs could really kick in. Thankfully, I was right.
After the hour or so of post-water-breaking contractions, I really felt the urge to push and when checked was told I was 8cm. This was promising, but again, I was really hoping for the good old 10cm right there and then. The nurse told me to tell her again when I felt the urge, even if it was with the next contraction and sure enough it came right away. She checked me again and found that I was in fact ready to push and called the doctor. About 30 seconds, 2 big pushes and lots of breathing later, our daughter was born. All in all it totaled 5 hours of labour, 1 longer than I experienced with Colin. Thankfully though, that one extra hour allowed me to not require stitches afterwards...a nice perk.
Seeing and meeting Addy for the first time is still extremely surreal in my memory. As much as I wanted and loved her instantly, we really were just meeting for the first time. I didn't know her and she didn't really know much about me except the sound of my voice and beating of my heart. With Colin, I felt extremely guilty that I didn't have that instant bond that you hear so many people claim to have with their newly born babies. This time, I decided that I was not going to rush either of us. We could take our time, get to know each other and slowly grow the bond that mothers and daughters get to share.
Addy wasn't breathing all that clearly so after the cord was cut they took her to the side to suction her out and clean her up. It was then that Jason and I got to breath, hug and pick her name. To us, she just looked like an Addy and that was that. Audrey is for Jason's maternal grandmother and my paternal grandmother and Clare is a family name on both our sides as well.
The next few hours were spent taking a close look at her, counting fingers and toes and trying to let things sink in. She was here. She was a she, and she was ours. We were starting all over again with a brand new person.
Addy's story started on Wednesday night of the 16th of May. By that evening, I had been having irregular false labour for the past 4 days. The day prior, while at the doctor, I was told that I was already 5cm dilated and therefore the doctor performed a procedure called a membrane sweep (a natural labour inducer) to see if we could get things really moving. By that point, I was officially sick of being pregnant, but even more so of the guessing game of whether or not the contractions I was feeling were real or not. I decided it was time to take measures in my own hands and see if I could convince our baby that it was time to deliver. There was only one way I knew how to do this...and that was to have a bossy talk with it, make tacos, and have company for dinner. That was the situation the night in which labour with Colin started. And true to its promise, it worked again. Mid way through the meal, I felt the first of what were actual regular, somewhat strong, increasing contractions. It was time to go.
After some arranging for Colin, Jason and I made our way to St. Boniface and checked in at triage. I was told that I was 6cm dilated at that point and that I needed to walk as much as I could to get the contractions to pick up in strength and to hopefully break my water. So that is what I did - I walked. I walked for about half an hour while Jason timed my laps and contractions and offered me water as I passed him by each and every time. My contractions started to pick up, but my water stayed in tact. Because it was a slow night and because it was clear that the baby would be coming sometime in the near future, we were then admitted to a room. I was thrilled to see that we would be given a private room yet again. For anyone that will be having a baby at St B anytime soon...when they ask if your insurance covers private rooms, you say yes...even if it doesn't. Yes, you will have a $80 bill at the end of your stay, but I promise it is worth every penny.
Once we were admitted into our room, I continued to walk, but mostly because I didn't know what else to do. About half an hour later, the doctor on call (who was actually the same doctor who delivered Colin) came to check me and told me that I hadn't progressed...I was still 6cm. I compleltely realize that for most people who have babies, not progressing in 2 hours of labour is par for the course. Because when I delievered Colin I had progressed each and every time they checked me, I found the news that I hadn't this time tough to swallow. I always assumed, and was told that it was extremly likely that not only would I deliever quickly again, but in fact it was more likely that I would be even quicker. Hearing the news that things were stalled made me just a touch discouraged and definitely made me wonder what this baby had us in for. The good news from the doctor was that my water was about to burst, and therefore he broke it for me to really get things going.
Over the course of the next hour, I felt extremely intense contractions every minute and a half to two minutes. The hour was probably the toughest hour of my life. Again, I realize that some women labour like that for hours on end and to them, I fully applaud. At one point, I even asked about an epidural, something I swore I would never do, however decided against it once I heard how long it would take to fully receive relief from the drugs. I still had faith that all would be over before the drugs could really kick in. Thankfully, I was right.
After the hour or so of post-water-breaking contractions, I really felt the urge to push and when checked was told I was 8cm. This was promising, but again, I was really hoping for the good old 10cm right there and then. The nurse told me to tell her again when I felt the urge, even if it was with the next contraction and sure enough it came right away. She checked me again and found that I was in fact ready to push and called the doctor. About 30 seconds, 2 big pushes and lots of breathing later, our daughter was born. All in all it totaled 5 hours of labour, 1 longer than I experienced with Colin. Thankfully though, that one extra hour allowed me to not require stitches afterwards...a nice perk.
Seeing and meeting Addy for the first time is still extremely surreal in my memory. As much as I wanted and loved her instantly, we really were just meeting for the first time. I didn't know her and she didn't really know much about me except the sound of my voice and beating of my heart. With Colin, I felt extremely guilty that I didn't have that instant bond that you hear so many people claim to have with their newly born babies. This time, I decided that I was not going to rush either of us. We could take our time, get to know each other and slowly grow the bond that mothers and daughters get to share.
Addy wasn't breathing all that clearly so after the cord was cut they took her to the side to suction her out and clean her up. It was then that Jason and I got to breath, hug and pick her name. To us, she just looked like an Addy and that was that. Audrey is for Jason's maternal grandmother and my paternal grandmother and Clare is a family name on both our sides as well.
The next few hours were spent taking a close look at her, counting fingers and toes and trying to let things sink in. She was here. She was a she, and she was ours. We were starting all over again with a brand new person.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
A Quick Intro
She is here and she is lovely and sweet and all things that little girls are...
Addison Audrey Clare
May 16th, 2012
10:35 p.m.
7lbs 2oz
20 inches
More details and her story to follow. For now we are just settling in, trying desperately to get a few hours of sleep and introducing ourselves around here.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Surprise Tears.
Yesterday, 6 days before my actual due date, I thought the baby might be coming. I had been experiencing cramping for the past few days straight and in the early afternoon started contractions that were coming every 20 minutes or so. Since my labour with Colin was so short, and we now live a substantial ways from the hospital, we thought it would be good to head in and get checked out. I was also somewhat concerned about the baby since my cramping was getting more and more intense and just wanted to make sure that its heartbeat was strong and steady and there wasn't any unnecessary stress being put on him or her. After a few hours at the hospital, my contractions had stopped completely and the nurses determined that labour was not imminent. Jason and I then made the walk of shame back out the doors of triage and home - knowing and hoping that we would be back any day, leaving that time instead with the new one.
Before we left for the hospital, my Mom headed out to our house to wait for Colin to wake up from his nap and let us head in to the hospital. As soon as we left the house, I was overcome with emotion and tears to follow - neither of which I was anticipating or expecting. The tears were for Colin and it was officially the first time since his birth that I felt guilty leaving him. Considering that I thought we might be coming home with the new baby, I could not compress the guilt I felt that it was no longer just going to be him and I anymore. I cried for him and I cried for us...knowing that things were never going to be the same. The entire episode lasted all of 10 or 15 minutes, but it reminded me that these last few days of just the 2 of us, and ultimately just the 3 of us are worth soaking in.
Although I would LOVE to have had the baby yesterday, I am thankful that we had the dress rehearsal so I could allow myself to process these emotions and come to terms with the changes in our extremely near future. I now feel much more ready to welcome our next one into our family and mentally have come to terms with the the fact that our days as a twosome are soon expiring.
Colin will always be my baby - my first one, and for that, will always occupy an extra special piece of my heart as he was the one that changed things forever. Whenever this baby decides to join us is now a-ok with me as I now feel like I am more than ready for the addition. We will hopefully have news soon!
Before we left for the hospital, my Mom headed out to our house to wait for Colin to wake up from his nap and let us head in to the hospital. As soon as we left the house, I was overcome with emotion and tears to follow - neither of which I was anticipating or expecting. The tears were for Colin and it was officially the first time since his birth that I felt guilty leaving him. Considering that I thought we might be coming home with the new baby, I could not compress the guilt I felt that it was no longer just going to be him and I anymore. I cried for him and I cried for us...knowing that things were never going to be the same. The entire episode lasted all of 10 or 15 minutes, but it reminded me that these last few days of just the 2 of us, and ultimately just the 3 of us are worth soaking in.
Although I would LOVE to have had the baby yesterday, I am thankful that we had the dress rehearsal so I could allow myself to process these emotions and come to terms with the changes in our extremely near future. I now feel much more ready to welcome our next one into our family and mentally have come to terms with the the fact that our days as a twosome are soon expiring.
Colin will always be my baby - my first one, and for that, will always occupy an extra special piece of my heart as he was the one that changed things forever. Whenever this baby decides to join us is now a-ok with me as I now feel like I am more than ready for the addition. We will hopefully have news soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
