Surprise Tears.

Yesterday, 6 days before my actual due date, I thought the baby might be coming.  I had been experiencing cramping for the past few days straight and in the early afternoon started contractions that were coming every 20 minutes or so.  Since my labour with Colin was so short, and we now live a substantial ways from the hospital, we thought it would be good to head in and get checked out.  I was also somewhat concerned about the baby since my cramping was getting more and more intense and just wanted to make sure that its heartbeat was strong and steady and there wasn't any unnecessary stress being put on him or her.  After a few hours at the hospital, my contractions had stopped completely and the nurses determined that labour was not imminent.  Jason and I then made the walk of shame back out the doors of triage and home - knowing and hoping that we would be back any day, leaving that time instead with the new one.

Before we left for the hospital, my Mom headed out to our house to wait for Colin to wake up from his nap and let us head in to the hospital.  As soon as we left the house, I was overcome with emotion and tears to follow - neither of which I was anticipating or expecting.  The tears were for Colin and it was officially the first time since his birth that I felt guilty leaving him.  Considering that I thought we might be coming home with the new baby, I could not compress the guilt I felt that it was no longer just going to be him and I anymore.  I cried for him and I cried for us...knowing that things were never going to be the same.  The entire episode lasted all of 10 or 15 minutes, but it reminded me that these last few days of just the 2 of us, and ultimately just the 3 of us are worth soaking in. 

Although I would LOVE to have had the baby yesterday, I am thankful that we had the dress rehearsal so I could allow myself to process these emotions and come to terms with the changes in our extremely near future.  I now feel much more ready to welcome our next one into our family and mentally have come to terms with the the fact that our days as a twosome are soon expiring. 

Colin will always be my baby - my first one, and for that, will always occupy an extra special piece of my heart as he was the one that changed things forever.  Whenever this baby decides to join us is now a-ok with me as I now feel like I am more than ready for the addition.  We will hopefully have news soon!