From 1 to 2.

Over the past week or so, I have been going back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to write this post.  I am normally the person that seems to have it all together...always organized, proactively getting things done, and for the most part, positive and happy.  That being said, the past 12 days have been a real struggle for me and I am sure, that I am not alone when compared to other Mom's first days of going from 1 to 2.  In the end, I decided I wanted to share what has been going on, as I would feel wrong blogging about anything else at this time.

As soon as Addy was born, I obviously loved her unconditionally.  We wanted her, she was conceived "on purpose", and even more, we wanted a girl.  We got everything we wanted and we have so much to be thankful for.  Obviously, the entire birthing process, and even weeks leading up to her birth were exhausting, however the night we first held her in our arms, I felt energetic and ready.  The next day, was when things began to change. 

After a long night of nursing and generally being unsettled, it was time for visitors, one of the most important ones being Colin.  Addy and Colin's first meeting was actually quite uneventful, as Colin did not pay much attention to her except for the few pictures we forced him to take :).  It was then though, that I started to struggle with things.  It is somewhat hard to explain, but I will do my best.

I looked at Colin and saw ease.  Colin is an easy kid.  He sleeps for 12 hours at night and 2 hours in the afternoon.  He entertains himself very well and is almost always happy.  He has good manners and makes me laugh constantly.  He isn't a great eater but we are getting better every day.  Bottom line is he gives back to me.  All the effort I have put in with him over the last 20 months are now so obviously worth it and it has never been more apparent.  I realize that Colin was a very difficult newborn, however as they always do, those memories seem to have faded from my mind and when welcoming Addy into our family, I simply forgot how difficult things once we were with Colin.

I then looked at Addy and I saw exhaustion.  Newborns are tough and they are exhausting.  They are moody and gassy and they rarely give you back anything except for the occasional long nap.

And that is when I started to question everything.  I started to wonder why we ever thought having a second child was a good idea.  I felt overwhelmed and frankly, a little depressed.  We were starting all over again and suddenly all those memories I had forgotten about what it was like to have a newborn came flooding back.  I remembered how difficult breastfeeding is, and how it literally chains you to your child 24 hours a day.  It also forces me to sit down and do nothing for about 8 hours a day...something that I struggled with with Colin and was currently struggling with all over again with Addy.  I remembered how difficult sleepless nights are, however now, because I still have Colin at home, cannot nap during the day like I did when it was just him and I. 

These feeling built up inside of me for the first 3 days of having Addy until they finally exploded into one big teary mess, something Jason had the job of dealing with.  I cried and cried and cried.  I felt overwhelmed and hopeless and above all, exhausted.  After the episode, I did feel a little better, but again, the next day, found myself in tears once again.  It was then that I had to have a serious talk with myself and knock some sense into what I was feeling.

After much reflection and prayer, I can pretty much sum up my emotions to this - I forgot just how hard it is to have a newborn.  And now, we had added a newborn to our 20 month old, and for that fact, it was only going to be harder.  I also went from working 3 days a week, to home every day all day in the matter of less than a week, an adjustment that took a toll on me as getting out of the house and having adult conversation is something I need.  I had gotten so comfortable with the routine that I had with Colin, that I was not at all prepared to have it shaken up so much.  When it was just Colin and I, it was easy, I was always well rested and above all, he made everything fun.  Fun and newborns are not words that so much go together.

So, for the past week or so, I have been constantly reminding myself that things ARE hard and they are going to be hard for the next little while. BUT, then they will get better.  It's funny because I even wrote in a blog a few weeks ago about how with your first you think that things will never get better and 7 or 8 weeks in everything is fine again and you realize how quickly the time went.  I guess the piece that I forgot to remind myself, is that even knowing that stages pass in the blink of an eye does not change the fact that TODAY, IT IS HARD.  Tomorrow is probably going to be hard too, and most likely, so are the next 4-6 weeks.  Once I allowed myself to admit that, I instantly felt much better.  I definitely still have my moments, but they do not culminate into teary, blubbering messes.  I do not feel like I need medication or professional help, although I would be lying if I said I didn't wonder for a moment or so if I did. 

Today, we are doing well.  Addy is sleeping great during the day (nights are a different story but I know those will come soon too), and Colin had adjusted super easily.  We are somewhat getting into a new routine and have been able to get out of the house without the world crashing down on us.  I do feel like I have made it through the fog that I was in and feel positive and optimistic about the fact that our family has gone from 3 to 4.  I am in love with our children and I feel ridiculously unworthy to have been blessed with experiencing their lives along side them.  We are beyond lucky and beyond thrilled.  Addy and I are getting to know each other a little more each day and are slowly giving into the idea of each other.  Bottom line is that there is much, much love going on over here.  I am so glad that I am feeling better and opening my eyes to the joys.  The fog is lifted, the kids are happy, life is good.