One Month.

Dear Addy,

When your brother was about 3 months old, I started writing him a letter each month on his monthly birthday.  I am honored to be able to do the same for you.

The past month, if we are being honest here (and I always plan to be), has been a mixed bag of ups and downs.  The day we finally met you and put a face and name to your kicks, was definitely an up.  In fact, it was one of the biggest ups of my life.  You came quickly and "easily" and were perfect from the moment we saw your little face.  From that moment on, life would never be the same.  For one, we were now a family of 4 rather than 3, but more than that, we were now a family with another lady in the house.  I have been outnumbered 3-1 for quite some time (Jake included) and you helped me to get a little closer to evening the score.

I am loving what is means to have a little girl.  I love the pink and purple touches I was able to add to your room.  I love the actual outfits we have been given and can't wait to see you in them all as you grow.  I have complained in the past that baby and toddler boys clothing is really just different combinations of shirts and pants.  There really isn't much else you can dress a boy in.  Girls have all of the above PLUS tights, dresses, rompers, skirts, and endless other cute little touches to add to the daily ensemble.  So far, you have really only worn sleepers, however there are a few occasions coming up soon that I know you will be able to debut your new wardrobe.

I promise that I will not always compare you to your brother, however in this case, you will welcome the comparison as you are the clear winner.  You are a MUCH easier newborn than your brother was.  You are either just more relaxed, or maybe I am, however I think it is a combination of the two.  I heard someone say the other day that babies can smell fear and I couldn't agree more.  Hopefully you smell it a little less on me than obviously Colin did.  I feel much more comfortable, prepared and realistic with you.  I worry less about scheduling, knowing that it will happen over time, and also have relaxed when it comes to naps and not wanting to create bad habits - something I stressed over constantly with Colin.  Funny how these are the two things that seem to have happened naturally with you.  You have somewhat scheduled yourself and you sleep, for the most part, like a log.  You can do something already that took your brother 6 months to figure out - you can fall asleep on your own without screaming your face off for 45 minutes beforehand.  About 3 days after you were born, I discovered you had this skill and instantly felt a massive amount of hope and relief.  I listened to A LOT of crying from your brother while we were trying to learn how to do this, and thankfully, it doesn't seem like I will have to listen to as much with you.  Love you for that.

In continuing with being honest in these letters to you, I want you to know that this month has not been easy on me emotionally.  If you ever welcome a child into the world yourself, I want you to know that it is not always wonderful and easy and joy 24 hours a day, like for some reason, we seem to believe.  As much as I wanted you and loved you more than anything from the moment I met you, the transition of bringing you home and integrating you into our lives was challenging.  I forgot how difficult it all is and got pretty down on myself and on you.  I am sorry for that.  Thankfully, things got better very quickly and although it is still hard, I know that the exhaustion I am feeling currently is temporary.  Thank you for being patient with me.  Thank you for being easy on me.  Thank you for helping me through the first month.

This first month has passed at a snails pace, however I know that each and every one of your first year will go by quicker than the last. In the next couple weeks, your Dad will start to be home more and by the end of the month, will be home for good for two months during which we will have some time away as a family, something I look forward to each and every summer.

It is hard to put into words all the emotions that I have felt over the past month but this I can promise you.  Above all, you are LOVED.  You were loved from the moment I saw you and you will continue to be loved for eternity.  Although it has not been easy, you have made each moment worthwhile simply by being here and being you.  It gets easier each day and I can't wait to see more and more of your personality emerge as time goes on.  

Love you baby girl,

Mama
xoxo

First Summer Days.

It finally feels like summer is here to stay as we have been experiencing our first really hot stretch of the year.  Today, we visited the new play structure that my sister and her husband put together over the weekend.  It was definitely a hit with Colin and Addy didn't seem to have any complaints either as she slept the entire time.  Love these kids.  We look forward to many more fun days in this exclusive park!

 

 

 

Grass!

We have been waiting for the day where we would have some actual grass for what feels like a long time.  This past weekend, it finally became a reality as we laid 3600 square feet of sod on the north side of our house, wrapping around to the front.

The progress went as follows...

First we started with weeds, weeds, and more weeds...

Then thanks to my farmer husband...

And a tractor and tiller...

And some great helpers, we are now the proud owners of this...

We could not be happier with the way things turned out.  The sod looks great and I can't wait for Colin to really be able to take advantage of his new softer landing spots.

The only glitch in our plans was when we finished laying the sod and started the watering process.  Apparently our well just couldn't take the constant use and continually dried up after an hour or so on the job.  Thankfully, our neighbors came to our rescue and we have been putting their well and water to good use ever since.  There is also some rain the forecast for later this week so we are hoping for a good soaking from mother nature soon. 

So the first summer project has been crossed off the list and I am so excited for what I am sure will be a lot of fun spent on the grass this summer and for many summers to come.

Things inside the house are getting kinda fun too...especially moments like this one.

A little credit.

As I wrote earlier this week, the past 15 days have been difficult.  Adjusting to life with a newborn again, as well as continue to deal with a 20 month old has been challenging and it has forced me to simplify once again.  That being said, I really don't feel that through it all, I have given Addy enough credit for the wonderful baby she is.  Let me count the ways...

1. She will fall asleep in my arms.  This is not something I plan on making a habit of, but at this stage of the game, it sure does come in handy.  Colin was extremely hard to put to sleep, and therefore you just had to hope and pray that he did on his own or else he simply went without sleep (something he did not handle well).  A soother and a warm body are all Addy seems to need and for that, I appreciate how easy it is to take her places and keep her happy and well rested.  At night, she has been sleeping in 5 hour stretches, however, will only do so on my chest.  For that reason, we have been spending a lot of nights on the couch together.  I will take the long stretches for now, and we will simply work out the details later.

2. She takes a bottle like a pro.  A few days ago, I decided to try to give her a bottle with formula to simply see how she would react.  She had absolutely zero issues with it, drank the entire thing, and  went back to nursing for her next feeding without skipping a beat.  This could not make me happier.  For one, I now know that I can leave for the odd feeding here and there and anyone could satisfy her needs.  For two, I always like to know that my babies will drink formula.  I am comforted by the fact that if something ever happened to me,  I needed surgery or was really, really sick, they would not go hungry.  

3. In some ways, Addy is actually easier than Colin.  My parents took Colin on Friday for a day and her and I bee-bopped around town getting errands done.  In total, we were out of the house for 6 hours and all I needed was diapers, my nursing cover and an extra sleeper.  There is no way that I would be able to get that many things done in one day with Colin.  For one, he very much still requires his afternoon nap, and for two, he does not so much tolerate that much car and stroller time.  Like any little boy, he wants to play, explore and run rather than sit and wait - something that errands and groceries require.  Addy slept pretty much the entire time we were out, except for when she ate and I enjoyed crossing many nagging errands off my list.

4. Addy is happy.  Anyone that spent any time with Colin in the first 3 months of his life will remember that for the most part, he just wasn't very happy.  He would eat and cry on steady rotation for most of the day.  I remember being extremely frustrated as I felt that my only real job at the time was to make him happy and I clearly was not doing a very good job.  Addy on the other hand, is a fairly happy, content little girl.  She has some gas issues, as Colin did as well, however is dealing with them better every day. 

5. Addy makes me dream.  It wasn't until a couple of days ago that I fully absorbed the fact that we have ourselves a daughter and what that actually means.  There is something so special about the relationship that daughters have with their mothers.  Yes, I am sure there will be rocky days (ie. teenage years), however the adult relationship that I have with my Mom, makes me so excited for that same time with Addy.  Should she choose to get married one day, I will get to be the mother of the bride.  Should she have her own children, I will get to experience that with her.  These dreams are all ones that I hope to watch her through one day, and I feel immensely blessed to even have the chance.

So as difficult, exhausting, and trying as the past 15 days have been, I can't imagine how much more challenging they would have been had we not been gifted with as wonderful a baby as we have.  Addy is everything I could have hoped for, and is the perfect addition to this family. 

Thank you, baby girl!

From 1 to 2.

Over the past week or so, I have been going back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to write this post.  I am normally the person that seems to have it all together...always organized, proactively getting things done, and for the most part, positive and happy.  That being said, the past 12 days have been a real struggle for me and I am sure, that I am not alone when compared to other Mom's first days of going from 1 to 2.  In the end, I decided I wanted to share what has been going on, as I would feel wrong blogging about anything else at this time.

As soon as Addy was born, I obviously loved her unconditionally.  We wanted her, she was conceived "on purpose", and even more, we wanted a girl.  We got everything we wanted and we have so much to be thankful for.  Obviously, the entire birthing process, and even weeks leading up to her birth were exhausting, however the night we first held her in our arms, I felt energetic and ready.  The next day, was when things began to change. 

After a long night of nursing and generally being unsettled, it was time for visitors, one of the most important ones being Colin.  Addy and Colin's first meeting was actually quite uneventful, as Colin did not pay much attention to her except for the few pictures we forced him to take :).  It was then though, that I started to struggle with things.  It is somewhat hard to explain, but I will do my best.

I looked at Colin and saw ease.  Colin is an easy kid.  He sleeps for 12 hours at night and 2 hours in the afternoon.  He entertains himself very well and is almost always happy.  He has good manners and makes me laugh constantly.  He isn't a great eater but we are getting better every day.  Bottom line is he gives back to me.  All the effort I have put in with him over the last 20 months are now so obviously worth it and it has never been more apparent.  I realize that Colin was a very difficult newborn, however as they always do, those memories seem to have faded from my mind and when welcoming Addy into our family, I simply forgot how difficult things once we were with Colin.

I then looked at Addy and I saw exhaustion.  Newborns are tough and they are exhausting.  They are moody and gassy and they rarely give you back anything except for the occasional long nap.

And that is when I started to question everything.  I started to wonder why we ever thought having a second child was a good idea.  I felt overwhelmed and frankly, a little depressed.  We were starting all over again and suddenly all those memories I had forgotten about what it was like to have a newborn came flooding back.  I remembered how difficult breastfeeding is, and how it literally chains you to your child 24 hours a day.  It also forces me to sit down and do nothing for about 8 hours a day...something that I struggled with with Colin and was currently struggling with all over again with Addy.  I remembered how difficult sleepless nights are, however now, because I still have Colin at home, cannot nap during the day like I did when it was just him and I. 

These feeling built up inside of me for the first 3 days of having Addy until they finally exploded into one big teary mess, something Jason had the job of dealing with.  I cried and cried and cried.  I felt overwhelmed and hopeless and above all, exhausted.  After the episode, I did feel a little better, but again, the next day, found myself in tears once again.  It was then that I had to have a serious talk with myself and knock some sense into what I was feeling.

After much reflection and prayer, I can pretty much sum up my emotions to this - I forgot just how hard it is to have a newborn.  And now, we had added a newborn to our 20 month old, and for that fact, it was only going to be harder.  I also went from working 3 days a week, to home every day all day in the matter of less than a week, an adjustment that took a toll on me as getting out of the house and having adult conversation is something I need.  I had gotten so comfortable with the routine that I had with Colin, that I was not at all prepared to have it shaken up so much.  When it was just Colin and I, it was easy, I was always well rested and above all, he made everything fun.  Fun and newborns are not words that so much go together.

So, for the past week or so, I have been constantly reminding myself that things ARE hard and they are going to be hard for the next little while. BUT, then they will get better.  It's funny because I even wrote in a blog a few weeks ago about how with your first you think that things will never get better and 7 or 8 weeks in everything is fine again and you realize how quickly the time went.  I guess the piece that I forgot to remind myself, is that even knowing that stages pass in the blink of an eye does not change the fact that TODAY, IT IS HARD.  Tomorrow is probably going to be hard too, and most likely, so are the next 4-6 weeks.  Once I allowed myself to admit that, I instantly felt much better.  I definitely still have my moments, but they do not culminate into teary, blubbering messes.  I do not feel like I need medication or professional help, although I would be lying if I said I didn't wonder for a moment or so if I did. 

Today, we are doing well.  Addy is sleeping great during the day (nights are a different story but I know those will come soon too), and Colin had adjusted super easily.  We are somewhat getting into a new routine and have been able to get out of the house without the world crashing down on us.  I do feel like I have made it through the fog that I was in and feel positive and optimistic about the fact that our family has gone from 3 to 4.  I am in love with our children and I feel ridiculously unworthy to have been blessed with experiencing their lives along side them.  We are beyond lucky and beyond thrilled.  Addy and I are getting to know each other a little more each day and are slowly giving into the idea of each other.  Bottom line is that there is much, much love going on over here.  I am so glad that I am feeling better and opening my eyes to the joys.  The fog is lifted, the kids are happy, life is good.

Addy's Story

I feel like this post has been a long time coming, however in actuality, it has only been 8 days since we brought Addy home.  Over the past week, we have introduced her to many family members and friends who have all loved on her like she deserves.

Addy's story started on Wednesday night of the 16th of May.  By that evening, I had been having irregular false labour for the past 4 days.  The day prior, while at the doctor, I was told that I was already 5cm dilated and therefore the doctor performed a procedure called a membrane sweep (a natural labour inducer) to see if we could get things really moving.  By that point, I was officially sick of being pregnant, but even more so of the guessing game of whether or not the contractions I was feeling were real or not.  I decided it was time to take measures in my own hands and see if I could convince our baby that it was time to deliver.  There was only one way I knew how to do this...and that was to have a bossy talk with it, make tacos, and have company for dinner.  That was the situation the night in which labour with Colin started.  And true to its promise, it worked again.  Mid way through the meal, I felt the first of what were actual regular, somewhat strong, increasing contractions.  It was time to go.

After some arranging for Colin, Jason and I made our way to St. Boniface and checked in at triage.  I was told that I was 6cm dilated at that point and that I needed to walk as much as I could to get the contractions to pick up in strength and to hopefully break my water.  So that is what I did - I walked.  I walked for about half an hour while Jason timed my laps and contractions and offered me water as I passed him by each and every time.  My contractions started to pick up, but my water stayed in tact.  Because it was a slow night and because it was clear that the baby would be coming sometime in the near future, we were then admitted to a room.  I was thrilled to see that we would be given a private room yet again.  For anyone that will be having a baby at St B anytime soon...when they ask if your insurance covers private rooms, you say yes...even if it doesn't.  Yes, you will have a $80 bill at the end of your stay, but I promise it is worth every penny. 

Once we were admitted into our room, I continued to walk, but mostly because I didn't know what else to do.  About half an hour later, the doctor on call (who was actually the same doctor who delivered Colin) came to check me and told me that I hadn't progressed...I was still 6cm.  I compleltely realize that for most people who have babies, not progressing in 2 hours of labour is par for the course.  Because when I delievered Colin I had progressed each and every time they checked me, I found the news that I hadn't this time tough to swallow.  I always assumed, and was told that it was extremly likely that not only would I deliever quickly again, but in fact it was more likely that I would be even quicker.  Hearing the news that things were stalled made me just a touch discouraged and definitely made me wonder what this baby had us in for.  The good news from the doctor was that my water was about to burst, and therefore he broke it for me to really get things going.

Over the course of the next hour, I felt extremely intense contractions every minute and a half to two minutes.  The hour was probably the toughest hour of my life.  Again, I realize that some women labour like that for hours on end and to them, I fully applaud.  At one point, I even asked about an epidural, something I swore I would never do, however decided against it once I heard how long it would take to fully receive relief from the drugs.  I still had faith that all would be over before the drugs could really kick in.  Thankfully, I was right.

After the hour or so of post-water-breaking contractions, I really felt the urge to push and when checked was told I was 8cm.  This was promising, but again, I was really hoping for the good old 10cm right there and then.  The nurse told me to tell her again when I felt the urge, even if it was with the next contraction and sure enough it came right away.  She checked me again and found that I was in fact ready to push and called the doctor.  About 30 seconds, 2 big pushes and lots of breathing later, our daughter was born.  All in all it totaled 5 hours of labour, 1 longer than I experienced with Colin.  Thankfully though, that one extra hour allowed me to not require stitches afterwards...a nice perk.

Seeing and meeting Addy for the first time is still extremely surreal in my memory.  As much as I wanted and loved her instantly, we really were just meeting for the first time.  I didn't know her and she didn't really know much about me except the sound of my voice and beating of my heart.  With Colin, I felt extremely guilty that I didn't have that instant bond that you hear so many people claim to have with their newly born babies.  This time, I decided that I was not going to rush either of us.  We could take our time, get to know each other and slowly grow the bond that mothers and daughters get to share.

Addy wasn't breathing all that clearly so after the cord was cut they took her to the side to suction her out and clean her up.  It was then that Jason and I got to breath, hug and pick her name.  To us, she just looked like an Addy and that was that.  Audrey is for Jason's maternal grandmother and my paternal grandmother and Clare is a family name on both our sides as well.

The next few hours were spent taking a close look at her, counting fingers and toes and trying to let things sink in.  She was here.  She was a she, and she was ours.  We were starting all over again with a brand new person. 

A Quick Intro

She is here and she is lovely and sweet and all things that little girls are...

Addison Audrey Clare

May 16th, 2012

10:35 p.m.

7lbs 2oz

20 inches

More details and her story to follow.  For now we are just settling in, trying desperately to get a few hours of sleep and introducing ourselves around here.