Surprise Tears.

Yesterday, 6 days before my actual due date, I thought the baby might be coming.  I had been experiencing cramping for the past few days straight and in the early afternoon started contractions that were coming every 20 minutes or so.  Since my labour with Colin was so short, and we now live a substantial ways from the hospital, we thought it would be good to head in and get checked out.  I was also somewhat concerned about the baby since my cramping was getting more and more intense and just wanted to make sure that its heartbeat was strong and steady and there wasn't any unnecessary stress being put on him or her.  After a few hours at the hospital, my contractions had stopped completely and the nurses determined that labour was not imminent.  Jason and I then made the walk of shame back out the doors of triage and home - knowing and hoping that we would be back any day, leaving that time instead with the new one.

Before we left for the hospital, my Mom headed out to our house to wait for Colin to wake up from his nap and let us head in to the hospital.  As soon as we left the house, I was overcome with emotion and tears to follow - neither of which I was anticipating or expecting.  The tears were for Colin and it was officially the first time since his birth that I felt guilty leaving him.  Considering that I thought we might be coming home with the new baby, I could not compress the guilt I felt that it was no longer just going to be him and I anymore.  I cried for him and I cried for us...knowing that things were never going to be the same.  The entire episode lasted all of 10 or 15 minutes, but it reminded me that these last few days of just the 2 of us, and ultimately just the 3 of us are worth soaking in. 

Although I would LOVE to have had the baby yesterday, I am thankful that we had the dress rehearsal so I could allow myself to process these emotions and come to terms with the changes in our extremely near future.  I now feel much more ready to welcome our next one into our family and mentally have come to terms with the the fact that our days as a twosome are soon expiring. 

Colin will always be my baby - my first one, and for that, will always occupy an extra special piece of my heart as he was the one that changed things forever.  Whenever this baby decides to join us is now a-ok with me as I now feel like I am more than ready for the addition.  We will hopefully have news soon!

Lately.

I haven't been very diligent with updating the blog lately and I really can't pinpoint a reason why.  Until recently when we started our basement construction there hasn't been a lot of changes around the house and although Colin is adding new words to his vocabulary every day, I haven't felt like there were significant milestones to report on either.  Bottom line is this, I think that I am just tired and writing a blog or two a week was one of the things that just had to be sacrificed in order to relax, get some added rest, or simply do nothing for an hour or so a day.

We are just under 4 weeks from my due date and I am officially ready not to be pregnant anymore.  I am sick of my maternity clothes (or lack there of), sick of the back pain that is increasing daily, sick of the 9,000 daily trips to the bathroom and especially sick of the most recent addition - heartburn.  I realize that others deal with heartburn regularly, however I can honestly say that I have never had it before in my life.  I actually had to google my symptoms to figure out what was going on.  That is spoiled and I realize that, but it does not make it any more enjoyable.

I am in an interesting mental dilemma at the moment.  Like I said before, I am most definitely 100% ready not to be pregnant anymore.  I did, around this time, get to this stage when I was pregnant with Colin as well.  That being said, I now know what I am getting into post-pregnancy and for that reason, my brain and my body are at odds.  My body is screaming to get this kid out and is sending daily eviction notices.  My head is all too aware of what is to come and for that reason has been returning those notices as quickly as they come with payment for another weeks rent.

I am so excited to meet our new family member and to see what in fact has been growing inside of me for the past 9 months.  I can't wait to see Colin meet him or her for the first time and see the look of pure and utter confusion on his face when the baby comes home with us and stays for good.  I am excited for all the firsts and changes that a babies first year brings and so glad that I at least have a bit of a leg up on the me from 20 months ago when I first held Colin and was simply trying to figure things out day by day.

I am also smart enough (or at least have a good enough memory) to know that things are going to be rough for a bit.  Simple math tells me so.  Sleep is going to be limited, everyone is going to have to make adjustments and peoples lives (ie. Colin's) lives are going to be turned upside down.  I also know that this baby is not Colin circa 2012 and he or she will have its own issues, likes and dislikes and general disposition that will take time to figure out just like it did with Colin.  Nothing is going to be automatic just because we have had a baby already.  The slate is clean and this one is its own new game.

And there in lies the dilemma.  Brain versus body.

Ultimately it is amazing to know that at the end of the day, love will trump all.  The love we will feel when we meet our baby will shut my head and my body up as only love can.  For the next month or so my brain and my body can continue to duke it out as my heart prepares to take over for good.

From 3 to 4.

Ever since we found out that we were having another baby, we knew that doing something with the extra space we have in the basement needed to become a priority. We have quite a few of overnight guests on Clarence and for the past 18 months, they have used the green room (or 3rd bedroom upstairs). That green room will soon be inhabited by a very small little person, therefore creating a couple of rooms (#4 and #5) in the basement was going to be necessary. It was always our plan to section off the basement into a work room, 2 bedrooms, bathroom and large play/TV area, however knew that the finished product will not be possible for a number of years. For now, we have opted instead to frame the basement rooms off and drywall as much as we can. We already have the drywall needed (left over from our initial house building), therefore it was a fairly inexpensive job and has made the world of difference down there (I say fairly as is there ever an inexpensive house job?).

Here is the drywall waiting to be moved...half the joy was just seeing the pile deplete. I was sick of looking at it and it takes up a lot of space down there.


The first bedroom getting built


Sorting through what we will soon need...


A look from the bedroom end of the basement into the play/TV area...


The one bedroom (#4) ready for a few more vacuums to get the dust up, then some beds, then some guests...


For now, we will just leave the drywall as is as it really cleans everything up and provides so much separation and privacy between the work area and the sleep area - which was exactly what we wanted. So far, we only have one room built and drywalled, however it has room for both our queen beds so I am sure guests will be able to tolerate it for now until the room is fully complete. Next on the list will be the continual of the drywalling process, the construction of the 2nd basement bedroom and bathroom, more sorting and putting away, some carpet pieces to lay (second hand from others who are renovating - thanks!), and the gradual completion of the second 1672 square feet of this home. We always knew that the basement would be a big part of this house and built it the way we did for just that reason. We do envision kids bedrooms down there one day and know that it will be a VERY well used space in the future.

I didn't even notice until now that the title of this post could be misinterpreted to mean that our family will be going from 3 to 4, however that is also around the corner for us. It is hard to believe that I am only 5 weeks away from my due date, however the back and hip pain do a good job of reminding me :). This week marks the first of starting weekly doctors appointments which can only mean one thing. The green room is coming together and we are as "ready" as we are ever going to be to start this next stage!

Instagram Update

Those of you who follow me on Instagram will have already seen these pictures but for those of you who don't or don't have an iphone, here is what we have been up to lately.

A visit with Grammy.


A blackout liner experiment in the new babies room - can you guess which side is liner-free?

A few summer purchases for my post baby-ness.


We like to line cars up a lot.

Deck toys ready for action.

A delicious new smoothie.


A night out to celebrate our anniversary.


Spring desserts.

In one picture.

Jason took this picture the other day before we headed out. The goal was to get some pictures of my belly as I have neglected to take any since the beginning of this pregnancy. People always say that the more kids you have, the fewer pictures you take of the youngest, so I guess I am falling right into that theory. In actuality though, I only have 1 picture of my stomach while pregnant with Colin so clearly taking these types of pictures has never been my strength.

To me, this one picture sums up life around here pretty well. I am getting pretty pregnant (7.5 months tomorrow) and Colin is BUSY. The kid does not stop. Check that - the kid does not stop for anything but snack time and Handy Manny. Each of those two things can give us about 5 minutes of peace. Otherwise, Colin is gone before you know it, on to the next puzzle, toy or game, quicker than you even realize.

It is amazing to see the transition in him over the past 3 months or so. Now that he is 18 months, he really does PLAY with his toys. Although he does communicate and can say about 20 words or so, most of what he "says" is still a mystery to me so I can only imagine what is going on in his head most of the time. The kid will find fun in any toy, kitchen cupboard or piece of furniture. He will climb on anything, jump off anything, and come up with a game to play with any household item.

We have officially entered the challenging stage when it comes to hitting, climbing on things he's not supposed to, and seemingly "intentionally-disobeying-and-then-laughing-in-our-faces-stage." It really is a lot of fun. Day by day though we work at it and at times I seem glimpses of our efforts shine through.

10 weeks until the baby is here. I know that I will forever remember the past 18 months as special as it will be the only time in Colin's life where he didn't have to share me. I know that the mama-sharing is going to be a challenge for him come spring but realize that he is a big boy who will learn and adjust, just like the rest of us will be doing the same.

Learning.

As a first time mother, I made many mistakes. I am sure as a second time mother I will make equally as many and more. If we are so lucky/choose to make it a trifetca, I am sure mistakes will be made on that one too. I am also not finished making mistakes as a mother - no siree. In fact, I am pretty sure it is only the beginning and not only that, I am definitely sure that the mistakes I am certain to make in the future, will be far worse than the ones I have already made. That all being said, there are a few mistakes that I made with Colin that I most definitely will not make again. That, I can promise whoever the little person whom I am currently growing.

1. There will be a sound machine & black out blinds from day one (trivial, yet proved to be the game changer). It took me about 3 months to finally buy a sound machine and put it in Colin's room and it changed our lives forever. It took about as long to buy black out blinds. As much as I love this house and the fact that it is a bungalow, there are times that I long for a second story so that sleeping babies and overly busy mothers have a little more space between them. We also for some reason have an HVAC vent that is open to our main living area and also to Colin's room. Makes for keeping loud sounds from traveling in all that much more impossible. The noise machine we bought plays white noise only and has 2 volumes, low and high. It is not fancy, however I would pay twice or three times its cost over and over again for the uninterrupted sleep it provides. You better believe that I have already purchased a second and the new baby will experience its majesty from day one. We do not mess around without noise machines any longer in this house. We do also not mess around with the darkness of babies room. The new babies room will be no exception. I will buy boy appropriate curtains and girl appropriate curtains so that there will be no delay in getting those up as soon as we are home and the other set can be simply returned.

2. That no stage lasts forever. The first 3 months with Colin were not easy. He was not all that thrilled to be part of the world and had a very hard time adjusting to life on the outside. There were a lot of tears, and they were often undiagnosed even after I thought I had tried everything. About 8 or 9 weeks after he was born, I remember thinking to myself that I would never be able to watch television in the evenings - ever again. We had a very difficult, very long "witching hour" at that stage and he pretty much cried from 5:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. daily. That was it, I thought. My television life was over and I would have to instead watch bits and pieces of recorded shows here and there. Another luxury that I thought I would never be able to do again is paint my nails. Colin was nursing every 2 and a half hours, and for 45-60 minutes each time. Simple math shows that the drying time needed when you paint your own nails was just not there. That was it, I thought - I will never have painted nails again. Funny enough, a month or two later, the storm has passed, Colin was going to bed easily at 7pm and napping for long stretches during the day and all of a sudden I had more time than I could ever want for television and any kind of esthetic work I wanted to do on myself. In the moment though, when I was dealing with the constant eating and the tears, I was sure that that was the way it would always be. This time around I know that each stage of a babies first year is over in a flash - including the crappy days and nights where you think it is all over for you. "This too shall pass" is a phrase that I repeated over and over again at times with Colin but it wasn't until after that I truly understand its mantra. I now know to simply breathe and let time do its magic.

3. That some things will just have to change. I am not one to easily give in to anyone. Colin was no exception. I was not going to let a newborn change my daily routine, my grocery shopping habits and my need for a clean house. I refused to let the laundry sit, the house stay unvacuumed or the dished undone. Because of this, I missed a lot of his best times as a newborn because I used up all his happy time being productive. I regret this. There is a certain amount of housework and errands that simply need to get done and believe me, I will still do them. However, with a 2nd baby around, I really do hope that I can learn from my mistake the first time around and be less concerned with the chores of life and more concerned with living life. New babies often bring with them many visitors as so many people want to meet the new person and congratulate you - this I LOVE as I love visitors and company. If you ever have an excuse to have a messy house, it is when you have a new baby and I am going to try and take full advantage of that instead of concerning myself with having a spotless house for each and every arrival. Life is too short.

4. To look at the whole child. My sisters sister-in-law coined this phrase and my sister and I often remind each other of its meaning. It is so easy as a new mother to concentrate solely on what you think is wrong with your kid. Maybe they don't nurse/eat as well as you had hoped, or they don't sleep as well as you had hoped, or maybe they just don't generally seem all that happy ever (eg. Colin from day 1 to day 45ish). In these situations, I have learned that you need to step back and look at the whole child before coming to the conclusion that something is wrong. Are they eating? Are they gaining weight? Are they peeing/pooping? Are they sleeping at all? I made the mistake time and time again of zeroing in on one aspect of Colin's life that I perceived as being wrong and forgot that in general, he was a healthy, growing, great little guy. Sure, we had our issues here and there, some which even warranted a doctors visit or two, but when I looked at the whole child, I saw a perfect little boy instead of focusing on the one of two little issues at hand. I really do think this advice will reign true for our children's entire adolescent lives as with so much in life, human nature is to simply focus on the negative, the wrong, the problems, instead of having a broader view in which there is usually far more going right than wrong. From day one, I will look at the whole child.

I made many, many more mistakes than these, however it would be impossible to think that I will bat 100 from now on. I am sure that at some point, I will repeat these same mistakes (except for number 1 - I don't mess around with number 1), and I am absolutely positive that I will make new ones. That is just what a new experiences bring - challenges and rewards, ups and downs, mistakes and solutions. The best part about the craziness of the first few months with a newborn is that tomorrow is always a new day and if something crashed and burned today, there is always tomorrow to change it up and possible get success. And end all, be all is always that they won't remember any of it anyways, no matter how badly we screw up. Thank goodness for that part.

I heart family.

This past weekend, my sister and I, kids by our sides (or madly running in my case), headed off to visit my brother and his family in St Thomas, Ontario. My brother moved there over 10 years ago, initially for a job, however stayed and married a wonderful women, and together they have added 2 hilariously awesome little girls to our family.

It was so great to see them all, and spend time together as adults, but even more fun to watch the kids interact. They instantly mesh, no matter how long it has been since they have seen each other last and did not stop and breathe for a second until the plane took us back home on Sunday.

The last time we visited, it was 13 months ago...

This picture took many, many, many attempts and still did not really turn out.

This visit, we got this on the first try...
I guess some things do get easier as the kids get older (at least Colin can now hold his own head up!)

It is amazing to see the growth in all 5 of these kids over the past year. They are truly all their own personality with their own quirks, however on this particular visit, it has never been clearer how much they truly love being around each other. The weekend was spent mostly in pajamas and besides a walk around the block and a swim at the Y, we really just did enjoy each others company at my brother and sister in laws beautiful home that is thankfully big enough for us all!


We can't wait to see them again - hopefully sometime again this year so the kids can reunite again and us adults can catch up and enjoy our time together as a family as well. It is hard to believe that later this year my brother and sister and I will all be in our 30's, all married with our own families as it seems like just yesterday we were all at home with Mom and Dad. I am so thankful that as we age and create our own busy lives, that we still find value in quality time spent together. Family is so utterly important to me and there is nothing I want more than for Colin to know just how lucky he is to have these people as part of his.

I heart family. This one especially :).